That’s about how I feel. When I’m not crying. Or wanting to bite someone’s head off.  I wonder if this crazy crap that started with the aborted topamax bs will ever go away.

Yes, yes, it will. Nothing stays the same.  Of course, nothing stays the same from minute to minute here.

I’m fighting feeling really hopeless. My prn Zyprexa crashed me so hard I was hardly human in my severe depression.  That was the thing that had always worked for me. Now there is …. what? Nothing I know of.  I’ve been through dozens and dozens of meds over the years. I’ve made so many lifestyle changes my life doesn’t vaguely resemble what it was before I was diagnosed with bipolar.

I don’t know what to do but keep breathing and hope that one day sodas don’t taste bitter and all this hell that started with the topamax goes away. I grab my skillz and I get by. But I’m tired of this. So tired.

Anybody want a used case of bipolar? Free to good home. Or bad home. Any at all.

Maybe I should put it on craigslist.

PS I’ll be ok in the end. Somehow that seems true in spite of it all. And I always am anyway. See therapist tomorrow maybe she can think of something.

Visit with therapist was not so hot yesterday. Mainly because of me. I was just starting to slide into mixed mania. Low grade to middle grade. But that makes my life go all baby puke green. And she was being reasonable. Reasonable doesn’t work for me so well when I feel hopeless and am so agitated I can’t sit still and so hyper I can’t shut my mouth.

The big thing was: Life is messy. You are normal.

Life is messy. No doubt.

I, however, am certainly not normal. I laughed at her saying that.  Bipolar disorder symptoms are normal? Excuse me? Not being able to have a romantic relationship is normal?  Not being able to have kids is normal? Menopause starting at 39 is normal? Not being able to tolerate working except at home because of get too angry with it and the people there? Not being able to force oneself to take a shower daily. Having to fight daily to force oneself to brush  teeth. Getting waylaid by your own brain regularly?  And on and on. That is NORMAL?  Oh fuck no.

Yes, I’m mostly ok with these things much of the time, but they’re not normal and it is silly to pretend they are.  Yes, I handle it well, even better than most and even THAT is abnormal.  I’m not capable of living a normal life. A good one, yeah, at least a good part of the time. But normal? Um, no.

Gah. Unproductive and annoying session. But that’s a fairly good description of how I go on and feel about stuff when mixed mania bites me. At first anyway. It gets worse from there.

About 10pm, though, the mix left me with just the hypomania.  YAY! God I hate mixed mania, however mild it may be at the time.

This has been a bloody weird ride lately. Waves of medication induced stupidity and waves of mood and energy swinging around. But that’s normal.  heeeehehehehehe

Now Immi goes off cackling to do 23 things at once.

The whole thing about the typealizer and the rude comment passes. Neither bipolar nor bpd / c-ptsd mood blips last forever, thank goodness. It just feels like it’s going to sometimes.

Turns out that what I saw as rude wasn’t meant that way.  It seems Felix’s caffeine and my insomnia had a bit of a trainwreck there, but you know, as things go that’s not so awful. Boy was I all overly-emotional yesterday though. Thanks everyone for your support. I feel awed by it. I  don’t feel that overly-emotional way now though. I feel pretty calm and cheerful. Ok, I am slightly annoyed that the cat stole a sausage and then barfed it back up 10 minutes later, but as things go that’s just no big deal.

My mood is flapping about some lately because of all the chemical stuff — getting on and back back off the lamictal, being sick for going on 6 weeks now with bronchitis of one sort or another, heavy duty antibiotics, heavy duty cough medicine, steroids, insomnia related to all that, and whatnot.  I get pretty reactive because of all that at times. But here’s the real joy of it for me: I bounce back SO much quicker than I could have a year or so ago. Yay!  This is like a huge success for me every time I fall down into the “oh I hate me life is crap everyone hates me” thing and can get back out of it before I’ve foundered in it for days or weeks. A year and a half ago under the same circumstances it would have been weeks.

This ability to get out of a funk in hours rather than days or weeks is why I’ve paid my dues with the bipolar meds and all that’s entailed, the DBT that takes some 5 to 10 hours out of my week, daily meditation, schedules I’d rather not have, mood charts I’d just as soon not do, dropping my caffeine to blood ratio, actually sleeping 8 hours most nights however wasteful it seems at times, and all that. This is what makes it worth it.  And boy, is it worth it.

When I start going either up or down from around “normal” mood, I get this paranoia about driving. I become terrified that I’m going to see animals get run over. Not any particular animals. Squirrels, cats, rabbits, deer, racoons, any will do. I’m not scared that I’m going to run them over myself, but I get freaked out that I’m going to witness someone else run over animals with their car. Sometimes it gets so bad that I just don’t drive unless I absolutely have to. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to ride in a car because of it. It only seems to happen when I’m going up into hypomania or down into depression, though. When I’m pretty stable moodwise, I don’t worry about animals getting particularly, other than to feel a tiny bit sad if I see one that’s been run over on the side of the road.

I mentioned this sign of my mood destabilizing in my wellness recovery action plan that my therapist and I just went over this past week. I’d never mentioned it to anyone before. Really, I never thought to. She seemed to think it was unusual. It could be a bipolar warning sign, and seems like that. Or maybe mood wackiness is triggering hypervigilance in c-ptsd. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely a sign that my mood is off.

I’m wondering if it sounds unusual to you folks who share some of the same mental interestingness as me. Anyone else have to deal with something like that?

I’m also wondering with a wry sense of amusement if there is a word for “paranoia that one is going to witness an animal be run over by an animal.” 

I guess I’m not one, but two days off the calendar this week.  Joy joy! Again, I am pretty sure it’s physical/medications stuff.  I came down with asthmatic bronchitis, probably from coughing my head off with that cold I had a month-ish ago, for which they gave me prednisone. Can you say destabilizer?  Yeesh.  But hey, I’m handling the mood destabilizing really well. Maybe because I don’t stay in any one mood long enough to do much of anything with it. teehee  Ok, prednisone for the hacky cough, but then it turned into a nasty infection type cough. Welp, guess the immune lowering of the prednisone got let in an infection and now I have plain old bronchitis with goop.  So saith the doctor. Since he’s such a doll, he tossed more medicine at me.  When one has COPD, one can’t just let an infectious bronchitis go. Now I’m laboring and/or laughing under the influence of prednisone, levaquin, and tussionex at night, on top of my regular cocktail.  I found out the tussionex is a bloody narcotic cough medicine after I took it last night. I always look things up first, but he’d checked (on the pc no less LOL) meds reactions to make sure he wasn’t missing anything considering my cocktail, so I didn’t think anything of it. No wonder I feel like Immi in Wonderland. I am Immi in Wonderland.  In spite of the fact that I shelled out $70 I couldn’t afford for the tussionex, I’ll take Robitussin DM at night instead.  Otherwise the pink dancing elephants might come force me to dance Swan Lake with them.  Considering that yesterday before I took the levaquin and tuss-thingy I was already hallucinating on and off, that sounds like a very good idea.  Or it may make no difference.  Back to not driving again, though, until I’m off all this extra stuff and not seeing extra stuff.  On the up side of things, I took my last dose of lamictal 48 hours ago. Moving right along through the weekend… chugga chugga chugga… only two days ahead of schedule.