Posts Tagged “manic”

Yes, I said I was ok last night.  In so many senses, I was. I was not hallucinating, sleepy for bed, still breathing, didn’t do anything in the day to muck my life up, and so on.  I didn’t feel terribly ok, though.  So pick your definition of ok and run with it.

I’d had a difficult day. There is something exquisitely horrid about being exhaustedly hung-over feeling from sleep meds for most of the day, while your brain is ticking away at mach 3 speeds.  Yukkkkkkkkkkkkkk. There is just no way to feel even remotely normal or decent while your head and body are trying to pull you in such different directions. It reminded me so much of the relentless mixed mania I experienced for a couple of years that it makes me nauseous to think about it.

So yeah, I had taken the trazodone for sleep the night before.  And yes, I only took one dose, not the whole bottle or even two pills. I did take the higher dose the doc tells me to take when I need; I figured I needed it because I was verifiably right manic at the time. It worked. I slept. It didn’t harm me.  And I felt like crap from the hangover all yesterday from it.  I’m guessing that since I haven’t taken the trazodone in a bit, 6 weeks or something, I’ve gotten re-sensitized to it.  Well. I won’t be taking the higher dose again any time soon!

On the other hand, though, I did well with some challenging stuff.  I did not actually bite anyone’s head off, even though there were some folks who ticked me off royally by hurting a friend. (Best way to get on my bad side, fyi.) I did what was needful and left it at that. I did get some things done. I got with a couple of friends, both online and off. I did some work. I grooved on the finals of Dancing with the Stars, and even felt ok about Shawn winning even though Gilles was my pick.  I did more Reiki for a friend. All of this while wrangling with a mach3-hangover.  That is damned good, really.

In the end I’m ok. I’m still buzzing a bit, though not nearly as much. And the nasty contradictory hangover feeling has gone, thank goodness. Plus, I slept again last night, though not as well. No surprise there since I took a minimum traz dose instead of max. But hey, I slept. I feel better today than yesterday. Except…

The stinking weather has changed again, and it’s janking with my asthma and making it worse again. And I’m already on the danged prednisone. ARGH!  So I’ll call the doc and see what the heck, if anything, to change. Ugh ugh ugh.

And bloody bother, Gaelic Storm is coming to Raleigh soon. A buddy invited me to go, and I could stay at her house. But I can’t fricking drive again! Because I’m having to step down on the prednisone slowly, I’ll still be on it then. ARGH again!  And since I can’t work as full on with my exercises, I don’t know if my leg would hold up to even a train ride with a night-long standing to see the concert after.  *shakes head* Too bad they didn’t schedule for July. Ah well.

Yeah, I’m OK.  I’m not thrilled with quite a few things. Those hereinwith I bitch about.  Other things are good. Those I grin about.  And life is just going on. Must be real life.


Babbled by Immi.


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I have to laugh when I see comments or emails from earlier in the day saying they hoped I didn’t fly off the planet when at the time they were written I was buzzing so fast that I was ranging out around ohhhhh Mercury. It was getting pretty sucky with my head flying that fast.  I’ve actually come down a bit. Goooooooooood!  Not down to earth, but not so sucky now. And I’m sitting still again. Without my hands flying around trying to sign because my mouth just can’t keep up. So, it works. For the moment, anyway.

I did have the PT guy laughing at me today. Babblebabblebabbleexerciseexercisebabble… until I got so busy exercising that the babble just halted.  I have no idea where my brain went, but it wasn’t with me much while I was there. I could only randomly tell which leg was my left, which got comical. PT dude finally resorted to telling me “Use the hurt leg.” or “Press down with your good leg.”  Resourceful, he is. No bike today, though. Not well enough for that yet. Maybe Wednesday.

Of course, by Wednesday I may either be walking on sunshine pretty literally, or laying on the floor drooling. It’s a toss up.  But at least it’s not dysphoric! As much as I tend towards mixed mania, lack of dysphoric is a blessing.

Actually, by Weds if this isn’t toned down… since I am now on the way down with the prednisone and that will help *crosses fingers*… I’ll have to grab the Zyprexa. Hopefully not the Ativan, though. It seems nutso to take one thing that flies you up but have to take, then take another 2 to get you back down. This is about as high as I can go without being at risk of… Heck, I don’t know what. Unhealth, I guess. Stupidity. Who knows.  My watchdogs are all over me though, and the car is parked until all this passes.  I even put it on my bloody calendar to not drive until after the pred is all done.  Tres genius. ;)

It’s been pretty weird. My vision comes and goes at random. Not because I can’t actually see, because I can. My eyes are just fine. Just sometimes I can’t make any sense out of the things I see. Letters are there on the page, but I have no idea what they mean strung together.  Then *whap* it works again. And I can babble endlessly, but boy talk about tangents.  I can clean it up here a good bit, but it’s pretty funny IRL. No backspace there. No verbal spell check either.  I don’t need anyone to interrupt me thankyouverymuch. I can do it just fine all by my lonesome.

I have a feeling I’ll need the trazodone tonight. Probably because I woke up at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep. Not good. But it’s worse if I take it at that hour and get my schedule all whacked.  Getting up at 8:30 to 9:00 am is a huge stabilizer in my day. Losing 3.5 hours of sleep ain’t as bad. So I have an SMS alarm set to remind me to take my trazodone at 11:30.  Full on dose.  That should have me to bed by 12:30 or 1 latest. Goodie for me. It’ll work. I’ll sleep. And tomorrow probably won’t be so odd.

I’d sort of like the shakes to go away too. I’m not sure if that’s from the pred induced mania or just from the prednisone and albuterol. Stinkin steroids can make you shake even if they don’t try to eat your brain. And this stuff is holding my brain hostage. Liveable I guess. As long as I don’t get Stockholm Syndrome.

Speaking of Stockholm… LOL… my dad called yesterday. It seems he was in the hospital two days and was calling to tell me he’d gotten out. Heart pain of some sort, though after $10K or $20K of tests they couldn’t figure out. He’s scared it’s his Marfan’s trying to yank his fake aorta out. Shoot. I’d be ascairt too.  Puts me in an odd spot, though. He’s deteriorating again over the last couple of months. CHF, TIA’s, Marfan’s possibly sticking it’s head up.  So… If I want to see him alive and not in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out, soon is a very good time to go visit. He might get patched up for another 5 years. If they can figure it out. Or not.  No way to know.  He’s had 2 major open chest/heart surgeries, and the  last one left him on a respirator for 2 weeks and in ICU for 3. He almost didn’t make it out. One more might be it.

I hate him for the things he did to me. I love him because he’s my father.  I have to live with that dichotomy. Neither feeling is going to vanish. But what do I want to do about it?  I’m in no spot just now to figure it out.  Or even to drive the 3 hours to visit. But I feel pressured. (How could I not when I’m running 2500 miles a minute and wondering if I’ll ever see him again before his body goes kaput?)  I give myself permission to not decide anything tonight.  Doesn’t stop the brain flight. But it takes the edge off the compulsion some. Enough, I guess. Hopping in the car right now would be a disaster. As long as I know that and can act on it, I’m still in the realm of the relatively sane I think.

Wish me a lack of need for Zyprexa over the next 48 hours. I’m not keen on it at all. Great life preserver for me, though. I’m grateful for that. Just toss a few Zyprexa over my head and I float to the right place. Very handy.

How DO you take your coffee anyways?


Babbled by Immi.


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I guess I can’t monkee around enough now, but I’m not a believer. Always a trace of doubt in my mind. Ayuh.

Love? Romance? Sex? I haven’t the foggiest any more.  I wonder if I’ll ever know again. Maybe.  

Too much of what I believed was love at the time was tied up in mania.  So once the high of the mania died, there wasn’t much left. I never have been good at relationshit particularly. 

Actually, I’m very good at relationships as long as romance and sex aren’t involved. But throw those two in, and I become horrid at managing with it from day to day. Even when my partner is easy going and loves me and spoils me.  

Thus my disbelief.  Maybe someday though?


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Hypomania is often one of the the least understood things about bipolar disorder.  It’s sometimes called a “little mania.” That’s because it can look an awful lot like mania and in some ways feel like it.

Some signs of hypomania are

  • inflated or expansive and even grandiose (but not entirely out of touch with reality) sense of self
  • need less sleep than usual
  • more talkative than usual
  • sensation of racing thoughts, aka “flight of ideas”
  • distractible or derailed thoughts occurring more than usual
  • increased goal-directed activity, such as taking on new projects, or physical agitation such as pacing
  • increase in strong desire to and/or partitipation in fun but risky behavior such as gambling, spending sprees, unprotected sex, sex with strangers, etc.

The big difference between mania and hypomania is that hypomania isn’t as extreme as florid mania, and doesn’t have psychotic features like losing touch with reality or hallucinations.

Anyone can have one or two of these things above going on. It’s when a bunch of them go on together that it’s considered hypomania.

Immi

I joke around a lot about the manic times because they’re funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature.
~~Patty Duke

 

References
MentalHelpNet Bipolar Disorder, Hypomania, and Hypomanic Episodes 11/20/08

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I went with an old friend for a mini road trip towards the mountains today to see the awesome colorful fall foliage.  It was perfect for me to get out of the house without wearing myself out. I can sit in a car like a pro, I tell you!  With a thermos of nectar of the gods in one hand, and ambrosia fit for a diety in the other, we headed up from the flatlands. So it was really a thermos of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee and junk food. It couldn’t have been more of nectar or ambrosia for us at the moment, and we had a great time. 

Along the way, we talked about our blogs and therapy and such. I commented that my therapist had questioned a couple of times whether I’d ever had a clearly manic episode. I was saying that frankly I’d forgotten, myself if I had. May friend laughed and said, “Are you f***ing kidding me?  What about the time…”

Oh yeah that. hehe Yeah, I’d forgotten that. So I’d flown out to Idaho for a 3 days conference, became convinced aliens were chasing me and trying to kill me, so I spent close to $15,000 on outrunning them in a rented Dakota truck between Idaho, Utah, Nevada, Oregon, and California for 30 days before I was able to return home exhausted. I saw lots of strange things on that trip too. Including the reptilian aliens and the vanishing 18 wheelers. Oops. How’d I forget that?

“Or how about…”

Ok ok, so thinking The Saracen was following me around to kill me was not particularly grounded.  Even if he did to hack my head off with his scimitar a few times. And oh yeah, he didn’t exist so that anyone else could see or hear him. But I was an enormously powerful entity from somewhere around Orion’s belt so I hacked his head off, gave him back his life to become my bodyguard, so it all turned out ok.  Well, yeah, that probably was a bit manic too. Or just plain psychotic. Take your pick.

“And this time…”

Ok, saving that family from another set of aliens was a good thing to do.  Well, it would have been, had the aliens only existed. tee hee

Now I find it funny that I thought those things were real and reasonable at the time. Can you say d e l u s i o n a l?  LOL  I don’t suppose they are so reasonable looking back at them.  But you know what?  It’s grand to be able to laugh at them with a friend from a few years away, and grin about how lucky I was not to have ended up in the hospital over any of it.  

Yep, life’s pretty good sometimes. Especially on the road with a friend and a thermos of grand coffee.


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What is mania? It’s what gives manic depression the first part of its name, and it’s what many well-known bipolar people throughout history have been known for. It is the “up” side of bipolar disorder. But what does it look like?

Mania is generally considered to be a symptom of the brain chemicals and brain processes working differently than usual, causing a variety of symptoms. Symptoms can encompass some or all of these symptoms below, which can last for days to weeks. 
  • Elevated mood, Euphoria, Elation
  • Hyperactivity, Can’t Sit Still
  • Excitement
  • Overconfidence
  • Grandiosity
  • Extravagance, Spending sprees
  • Recklessness
  • Delusions of grandeur
  • Hallucinations
  • Talking a lot 
  • Rapid speech
  • Jumping from topic to topic in conversation, may be hard for others to follow
  • Rapid movements
  • Reduced need for sleep
  • Excessive exercising
  • Increased libido, hypersexuality
  • Increased use of alcohol or drugs
  • Distractedness
  • Aggression
  • Excessive laughter
  • Overeating
  • Short Temper
  • Irritability
  • Excessive Anger
Often, mania is romanticized as a highly creative state. The reality of it, though is quite different. While a person having a manic episode may feel highly creative, when in the midst of a manic episode, often will not be able to focus long enough to actually create anything. Mania quite often feels more irritable and angry than creative anyway.
Many times mania is the most destructive side of bipolar disorder because the person having the symptoms has the energy to do things that can cause long term problems. ”Low-grade” mania is called hypomania, but even if it seems more pleasant may develop into full-blown mania without treatment. Mania often causes severe problems at home and work, and can easily lead to hospitalization. 

Immi

“Maybe thats what hell is. You go mad, and all your demons come and get you just as fast as you can think them up.”
~Anne Rice


This is my take on the information shared with me in discussions with my psychiatrists in the past. Your mileage may vary. 

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… literally.

Seaneen got me thinking with her The People That I have Loved post.  I love when folks make me think.  I can’t write about all of the instances, but I love being made to think, nonetheless. This one got me really thinking though, because I’m trying to sort out where I’ve been and “who I was” in the past.  It helps me get a grip on where I am now, and why, all things considered, it’s not weird that I feel like I’ve been crazy and maybe still am.

Something about her post gave me the idea that she feels like there were a lot of people she loved or had sex with by now when she’s 23ish.  I had to chuckle and shake my head at that idea, because a dozen or so doesn’t seem like a lot to me.  Then I wondered what that says about me. Read the rest of this entry »


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“We're all crazy and the only difference between patients and their therapists is the therapists haven't been caught yet.” ~~Max Walker
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