Posts Tagged “addiction”

sadI’m not even sure what to say. It’s been a bad week. I thought about blogging about it, and couldn’t think how to say what was going on.  My PTSD tried to eat me for breakfast.

I found out that a family friend is on the registered sex offenders list for having sex with his young daughters many years ago. An incestual child abuser. My rational mind believed he’s paid for his offense with his jail time. My PTSD believed it’s just another sign the world is dangerous and evil. My therapist says I can’t be around him or any known child abuser in my home. Considering how rough this week was — severe insomnia, nightmares, vomiting, confusion, panic attacks, shaking fits, suicidal thoughts, depression, jumping at every noise — I have to agree with her. So, he won’t be around any more, my mother, who’s also my housemate, agrees. He will not. I’m still recovering.

I’m frustrated and sad that I can get this knocked over out of the blue by something that is in the present actually no threat to me. And by someone I don’t have a particular emotional attachment to. It’s sort of demoralizing. I don’t blame myself for it. But it feels so limiting. Oh well. As Therapist says, “Life is messy.”

I am sure of a couple of things, though.

I’m sure that I’m grateful and glad I’m not having a bipolar episode right now. Phew.  On top of the rest, it would be too much.

iced teaI am also very sure that I’m proud of making it to 14 years clean and sober today. :)  In spite of everything. Yay for me! The cocaine addiction not only didn’t kill me, but I’ve gotten clean of it for all these years.  I must be stronger than I feel inside.  I’m being taken out to eat to celebrate tonight.  I toast myself with sweet tea. LOL


Babbled by Immi.


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I told Madame Dr. Psychiatrist yesterday that I have gotten really tired of all the fallout from smoking. My breathing is going downhill badly and I’m spending more time fighting with not just illness but the horrid effects of the cures. I told her it feels like it’s really getting to make it or break it time with smoking.

I. Have. No. Intention. Of. Breaking.

So…

How DID I get past cocaine addiction?  I must have learned something in that process that can help me here.  I’ve thought about it a good bit.

I quit a lot. I must have quit cocaine 15 times in the 6 months or a year before I finally got it right. A few hours here. A day or two there.  On the wagon, off the wagon. Up. down. No other effort was as important to me at the time, so I just kept getting back up when I fell down. The crux of the matter was that I kept quitting until there was nothing left going on to quit.  

Yeah, I’ve tried dozens of things to quit smoking over the years. But not so persistently, so repeatedly, over such a short span of time as a dozen in a year.  I bet if I have to quit 15 times over the next year, one of them will stick.

And cripes, I’m getting to where I’m so miserable with the prednisone and illness over and over, I’m no longer convinced that quitting will be more miserable.  I mean, I can be psychotic and suicidal and angry and depressed and manic and crying and crazy and sick and all that with smoking.  I might as well be all that while quitting.

Then I can get better. Not perfect. My body is too tired for perfection now. But better, yes.

I don’t think it’ll be easy, but I have come to believe it can be done.  Big step, that. Lack of impossibility is a good thing to see.

She and I would ideally like to see me off the Trileptal and onto something that smoking doesn’t affect either way via liver enzymes before I quit. We both agree that I’d probably be worse off to wait, since being on crazy-making prednisone is probably at least as bad and the smoking keeps putting me back on that.  

So I let go of the idealism and waiting is almost over. Soon. Very soon.
*whispers… how many more days of prednisone are left here?*


Babbled by Immi.


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Yes, I need to quit smoking. I want to be a non-smoker.  But as I said in my last post, I’m not sure how to get there from here. In one piece.

Over the years I’ve tried quitting. Lord have I tried.  And nicotine gum. And patches. And affirmations for 6 months before trying to quit. And individual hypnosis. And group hypnosis, which only left me with an inability to eat chicken for about a year. And cold turkey. And biofeedback. And weaning myself. And psychotherapy. And even benzos to calm out the suicidal stuff a bit.. but then I was so relaxed I don’t care if I smoked, so nix that. And Welbutrin/Zyban, which helps with my depression but doesn’t do diddly for smoking urges. And several fairly weird quit smoking program and several more normal ones. And books and pamphlets and groups. And in various combinations.

Every time I got so suicidal within 2 or 3 even medical doctors tell me to light up. I’m not sure they would now. Asthma and COPD are hitting me so hard now they might tell me to just go lock myself up in some sort of hospital for a week or so to get past the first few days suicidal thoughts.  It may come to that, because nothing else has ever worked over many, many years of trying to quit for more than a couple of days.

I’m not even sure being in the hospital would work. The first time I was on a mental ward, a gal taught me how to hide cigs and then light them using common things found in virtually every room in the hospital. I haven’t forgotten. 

I do see a tiny light at the end of the smoke-shrouded tunnel though. Maybe I’ll make it before the ghostly tar train runs me over completely. I hope so.

I faced down cocaine. But it had to kill me first.  Is that what I’m waiting for here???

One thing I’ve considered is to just stop all my asthma and copd meds and not allow them back until I’ve made it past 3 days of not smoking.  Then let them back one at a time until I’m back up to normal.   I know from times I’ve forgotten the maintenance meds, though, that I will be positively miserable as far as breathing if I drop them all out.  I relate to the world primarly emotionally and by experience, so perhaps that lack of ability to breathe would make it compelling to finally just get the quitting over with.  I’m not sure that’s such a healthy thing to do, though. Maybe I should ask the doc. It would be sadly ironic and useless to die of what I did trying to quit smoking.

As I commented in response to Laura, I don’t think while I’m hallucinating is the best time to tackle it. Life is challenging as hell in the midst of that without adding stuff to it. If this course of the prednisone runs true to form, I’ll have max 3 days before my mind does a jump to the left, and then a step to the riiiiiiiiiiight.  I’ll put my hands on my hips and keep going in spite of things flying out of keyboards and children yodelling in the attic. But not the best time to tackle quitting smoking.

I’ll manage it. I’m just not sure how. I think I’ll start with gum and affirmations and exercise.  In a couple of weeks. Got to first get past the prednisone psychosis that’s on its way now that I’ve taken my first dose.


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An acquaintance proudly showed me his 30 day ship from AA the other day. Then he asked why I don’t go to NA any more. So I told him.

I got tired of focusing on drugs and addiction all the time.  Spending so much energy on not doing them and talking about not doing them was still focusing on them. I am, however, glad to know they’re there if I need them.

We talked about about the bits I carry with me in spite of the fact that I haven’t attended a meeting in ages. Knowing I can never go back to doing drugs, for instance. Well, not if I want to survive it. Reaching for a higher power… spirituality and accepting it. Trying to take things one day at a time. And so on.

Yes, I do need to be reminded of these things at times. I just find those reminders other places. For me it works. I hope everyone dealing with addictions can find what they need somewhere.


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Reminders. Laura commented on yesterday’s post

It’s heartbreaking to have to grieve the loss of a close friendship. Music has such a profound effect on our emotions, bringing us back to places that bring the most pain.

Yes, it is. In a strange way I’m grateful for it, though. As the saying goes, no one changes because they see the light, but because they feel the heat. Feeling the blistering heat of the mess of addiction helps keep me from broiling myself again. And that is a very good thing.


 I’m feeling a bit better. I actually haven’t hacked up a lung since last night.  Just a little minor hacking up a few alveoli. What an improvement!  So I’ll catch up on this single word tag and try to visit some friends. But not much, or I’ll end up hacking up a lung again. Oh yes, I know that one.  Here’s the tag game. (Willie, you obviously tag me because I get around to them sooner or later LOL!)

Her’es how the one word tag works:

Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to tag the person you received it from and of course at least four others who haven’t been tagged yet to the best of your knowledge. YO, Four of you consider yourselves tagged!

  1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
  2. Your significant other? mythical
  3. Your hair? messy
  4. Your mother? busy
  5. Your father? indescribable
  6. Your favorite? chocolate
  7. Your dream last night? silent
  8. Your favorite drink? coke
  9. Your dream/goal? freedom
  10. What room are you in? THE
  11. Your hobby? creating
  12. Your fear? fear
  13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? healthy
  14. Where were you last night? bed
  15. Something that you are not? consistent
  16. Muffins? blueberry
  17. Wish list item? insurance
  18. Where you grew up? South
  19. Last thing you did? breathe
  20. What are you wearing? red
  21. Your TV? history
  22. Your pets? meow
  23. Friends?  good
  24. Your life? comedic
  25. Your mood? hopeful
  26. Missing some one? yes
  27. Car? stationary
  28. Something you’re not wearing?  undies
  29. Your favorite store? book
  30. Your favorite color? purple
  31. When is the last time you laughed? today
  32. Last time you cried? yesterday
  33. One place that I go to over and over? BN
  34. One person who texts me regularly? Sonnia
  35. My favorite place to eat? out
  36. My favorite food? steak
  37. What did you do today? smile

NOW can I use more words, Ma? Can I? Can I huh? Yes I can! *snickersnortgiggle*


 So let’s move on to Sunday StealingSunday Stealing: The Stolen Sex Meme

 

Lordy. Sex on Sunday mornings. Hells bells, I’ve been known to bite people for trying to have sex with me before noon.  As I recall. Vaguely. Though I can hardly remember that far back. Eh well, here goes anyways.

1. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? yup

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night? Not morning. Anything but morning.

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Top.

4. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? Naw, but maybe I’d be better off financially if I had. Doubtful, but maybe.

5. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath? Yes.

6. Do you watch/read pornography? Seldom any more.

7. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? Depends on my frame of mind at the moment.  Flip a coin?

8. Do you love someone on your blogroll? Yes, but what does that have to do with sex?

9. Would you choose love or money?  How much money are we talking about here?

10. Your top three favorite kinks in bed? I don’t consider anything I do in bed kinky. 

11. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually? Oh yeah. Blech.

12. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex? In a sandcastle.

13. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex? In a graveyard.

14. Have you ever been caught having sex? Yup.

15. Ever been to a bar just to get sex? As I recall from back in the dark ages, yes.

16. Ever been picked up in a bar? See #15.

17. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? Yep.

18. Had sex in a movie theater? You mean it’s possible to not? ;)  *coff* Yeah, ok, that’s a yes.

20. Had sex in a bathroom? See #5. Showers and baths are usually in bathrooms.

21. Have you ever had sex at work? Not until after I started working for myself.

22. Bought something from an adult store? Oh yes, and I adored laughing and talking normally in them. It makes people go bug eyed and blush.

23. Do you own any sex toys? One. 

24. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film? Frighteningly enough, yes. (Remind me to tell you about the polaroid my Mom found under my friend’s lamp when we were helping him move.)

25. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name? You’re supposed to use names during sex?  Oh my. I’ve been doing it all wrong!

26. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse? Yep, Merriam Webster and I agree on that one.

27. What’s your favorite sexual position? I’ve forgotten.

28. What’s your favorite sex act? Whispering.

29. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time? Yes, but I don’t recommend it except as a novelty.

30. How many Sunday Stealing players do you think will not post this meme this week? 45% less than usual.

On a totally unrelated note, I want a Titan Peeler. Anybody want to send me one?


Babbled by Immi.


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I stumbled across the Indigo Girls music tonight. It’s amazing to me both how much it takes and gives, how much it still resonates inside me. And how much my heart still bleeds ugly clots and dribbles to hear it. I went to see them in concert once with a Great Love of my life.

The words of my heart lined up like prisoners on a fence
The dreams came in like needy children tugging at my sleeve

Surprisingly enough for two women going to see the Indigo Girls in the late 80’s, she and I were never lovers.  She wasn’t bent that direction. I loved her like half of me, though. Perhaps more.

My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage
My greatest hope my greatest cause to grieve

We worked together.  We went out dancing together, dated together, drank together, shopped together. This new thing called email we had at work, we burned it up with coded tales of our conquests and games and fears and laughter. (Do you remember the coffee that wouldn’t perk, girlfriend?  And the perfect little Hershey miniature?) 

She’s the one who dropped everything to take me to the doctor when my vision started going crazy from what turned out to be migraines.  She taught me to make homemade corned beef hash. (Oh we lived a trainwreck of emotion and always gave them something to talk about, didn’t we?)

And my heart flew from its cage and it bled upon my sleeve
The cries of passion were like wounds that needed healing

When she had surgery to remove a large cyst from her head, I swore I’d shave my head in the same spot so she wouldn’t be alone. We laughed together in relief when they did such a good job shaving that area that no one could see it unless she pulled her hair up in a pony tail. We did not wear pony tails that year. (But we followed that band around like puppies searching for the teat. Oh we were so funny, sweetie.)

I tried to make this place my place
I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face

We were both at the party where I first tried cocaine. I got addicted. She didn’t.  I lost her from my life over that.

And now someone’s on the telephone, desperate in his pain
Someone’s on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine

I don’t blame her for exiting stage left. It was the best thing for her to do.

Someone’s got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren’t gluttons for our doom

Cocaine addiction didn’t, in the end, actually kill me. It did kill a large chunk of my heart. 

A decade and a half later I still miss her.


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My mother and I had a Christmas tea party today. We had noshes and tea and coffee for family friends and some friends from Quaker meeting. 

At one point everyone was sitting around in a big circle eating and talking about concern for a friend who couldn’t be there because her cancer had flared up again, and how they might help her. I suggested that the outline of a WRAP type thing could be a helpful thing for her to do, so she can outline the types of things she wants and needs help with during and after chemo. One lady piped up, “Oh you have a WRAP. That’s great!” Several others piped up, “What’s a WRAP?” So I told them it was a wellness recovery action plan, and I had it for bipolar disorder so me and the folks who help me can know what I want and how to help if/when I have an episode. Several got all excited about the idea, and how it could be applied to a situation like our friend with cancer as well as for mental illness. A couple asked if I had a bipolar website and wanted to know more about it. No one gasped or hid under a chair or started talking about the weather.  That was kind of cool.

The only freaky thing that happened had more to do with the eating than talking about bipolar. I bit into this yummy looking chocolate thing that someone had brought and whoa! Explosion of booze in my mouth!  Well I haven’t had a drink in over 13 years and I was totally shocked. I did NOT want to be eating that thing. A friend who works in substance abuse and is in recovery herself happened to be looking and asked if I was ok. I gasped “Bourbon ball!” then jumped up and ran to the bathroom to spit it out.  Someone asked if there was something wrong with the bourbon balls. I  said I’d busted my hump for 13 years of recovery from alcoholism, and I didn’t want to blow it for a bourbon ball. Rather than being alarmed, they just laughed and said that was probably a good idea.

We didn’t spend the whole time having such unusual party converation, though. We also ate a bunch of crunchy and salty and sugary goodies and ham biscuits and slurped down tea and coffee.  We also did a Yankee Gift Giving (and stealing) thing that was weird to me, but folks seemed to have fun with it. We chatted about cats and birds and squirrel-proof birdfeeders and weather and all sorts of stuff. And my mother had a big book giveaway — grab any of these two tables of books or they’re going to goodwill.  The cats surreptitiously fed bits of teats too. 

Mental illness, cancer, cats, secondhand books, bourbon balls for alcoholics. Strange Christmas party, yes. But nice. Nice to be understood or at least accepted.


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“We're all crazy and the only difference between patients and their therapists is the therapists haven't been caught yet.” ~~Max Walker
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