Archive for the “mania and hypomania” Category

Mania and its little brother hypomania. The manic in manic depression. Which means I guess, that it’s the b in bipolar. Or maybe the i. I’m not sure.

I got to the doc. Got help with the pain — and PT coming up soon. I slept. And slept. And got back to a pretty normal mood. I miss the hypomania, really. But I’m very happy to stop the bipolar ride up since it always turns sour in the end. I’m happy I didn’t have to try the new emergency med. Phew! I feel lucky that just some plain old sleep fixed me back up.

So life is pretty good all around. :)


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That’s how long it seems since I’ve posted. LOL  Shit has happened. Good things too.  Now I’m a year older than I was a few days ago. And I’m getting manic.

SLEEP!

insomnia makes me manicThat’s what I need. And I need a lot of it.  For my sanity.  Almost 2 weeks now I haven’t had a full night’s sleep because of RLS and neuritis. If the stupid hopping legs aren’t waking me up, rolling over on that nerve is. Waking up 20+ times a night is aggravating for anyone. For bipolar me, it’s dangerous — it makes me manic. Luckily I’m still “just” hypomanic. So mostly I just babble and want to spend money (though no fear, I don’t — I have none to spend LOL).  The lovely catch 22 is that the more hyper and manic I am, the harder it is to even get to sleep, much less stay there. Even with ativan for sleep. Urgh. This is nuts.

Oddly enough, though, I didn’t start getting manic until *looks at mood chart* 3 days ago. I guess that means my crazy meds are where they should be.  I mean, it kept me straight until over a week of way too little sleep. Good job!

So what am I doing about it?

Today I have an appointment with my PCP to see about dealing with the RLS and neuritis. It’s probably caused by a new blood pressure med. I think, anyway, since it started around the time I started the med and has just gotten worse and worse.  So, we’ll deal with that and hopefully very soon RLS and neuritis won’t be waking my bipolar ass up over and over again.

And yes, my support people are aware of it and looking out for me. If I start acting paranoid in the least bit or being disconnected from reality somehow, they’ll let me — and if necessary my case manager — know, so it can be dealt with.

And I have my (unfortunately new) emergency med sitting on the desk here. Zyprexa was wonderful for my mania, and it worked very quickly for me. Unfortunately now that I’ve been diagnosed as being diabetic, I can’t take it any more. Wah wah! And all the atypical antipsychotics can be gnarly with blood sugar. So this time we try Navane.  A “typical” antipsychotic. New crazy meds. Urgh again. Considering that new psych meds so often give me weirdo side effects, that could be quite interesting.  We’ll see, I guess. Hopefully I won’t need to take it.  I must say I’m not holding my breath on that hope though.

Fiddle faddle on the whole mess. I’m going to go take a shower. Ta ta!




Photo Credit: LunaDiRimmel CC-A-NC-ND 2.0


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One of the reasons people don’t like meds is they don’t feel like themselves. I can understand that. It does really sort of suck to have the highs flattened or feel dull or numb.

I felt the most “me” and the most alive when I have been manic. I do miss that feeling sometimes. I was on top of the world and nothing could stop me.  Kind of a pity, though, because I always end up making huge  messes for myself when I’m manic. When one wonderful mania ended I found myself broke, unemployed, and living 3000 miles from home with a very weird man who was having an affair with his daughter and some chick online.  It took me a lot of begging for help from my family to get home, and a couple of years to get my act back together.  Another left me broke again, psychotic, numb, and 4 years later still cleaning up the mess I made of my life. My manias are like that.  And so on. And my depressions just eat my life and soul to where I can’t function, and that wrecks my life too, though I can’t say that feels the most, or even much like being myself.

For me, that sense of feeling the most like me isn’t worth it in the long run. It never lasts, and it makes a complete wreck of my life that takes years to overcome. I am thoroughly tired of spending years of my life fixing things from the times my mood has been out of control. So I choose meds because nothing else removed enough of the highs and lows that I wasn’t tearing up my life. I choose to take as little as I can, so I’m the closest to that feeling the most alive that I can get without shredding my life. I work my tail off so that it works for me fairly well. Better that letting it go did, anyway.

Really, I think we have to each sort it for ourselves. If meds make your life better, super, go for it.  If meds make your life worse, well at least that one, and maybe any, aren’t for you. In the long run, anyway.


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Just wide awake. In spite of sleep meds. I guess the skipping was me skipping on my way up the bipolar escalator. I did lay down for a half hour. No intrusive thoughts or anything. Just wide awake. I’ll go lay back down in 15 minutes whether I feel the least bit sleepy or not. I’ll daydream or something, but at least let my body rest. I’m a wee bit paranoid about not sleeping. More than two nights of it often sets me down in the middle of a nice little mixed mania. I’d rather be boiled in oil than that.

No caffeine tomorrow.


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Lady Dr. Shrink says she is comfortable with me not being as heavily medicated as most of her clients because I have great insight into my bipolar disorder. Lack of insight is a common problem. I should know. I had my share of it for many years when I stopped going to doctors because I felt too good, too energetic, too on top of the world to be bothering with them. But now I do better.

I am particularly aware of manic symptoms. I’m sure this is good. Mania is when I tear my life to shreds. I sometimes  enjoy it along the way, but when the manic tide passes I find myself sitting in a bad living situation in a different state, with a pile of debt beyond my eyeballs, and generally some man in my life I’m wondering why I put there. I’m thoroughly tired of putting my life back together from chaos like that, so I have worked hard to have excellent insight into manic symptoms since I was diagnosed with manic depression. So far so good.

I realized yesterday, though, that I don’t have nearly as good insight into my depressive symptoms. I realized that after spending most of the day just feeling uninterested in anything and sort of lost. It didn’t occur to me until late in the day that it might be depression. Maybe that’s because they’re so passive in comparison to manic symptoms. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much time in depression over my life that it just seems normal to me. Depression is more insidious, and I don’t find myself in a different state with some man when I come out of it, but it does make my life generally cruddy. So maybe I need to work on this one.

Symptoms of  depression according to NIMH are

  • difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • fatigue and decreased energy
  • feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • irritability, restlessness
  • loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • overeating or appetite loss
  • persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Some of them seem pretty obvious, like uncontrollable crying and the death and suicide stuff. But some are so subtle and so tangled in a mind moving like sludge that they’re not obvious at first.  I think I’ll print a copy of this list and stick it nearby until I have it in my head what I’m looking out for as far as depression.  That way when it’s not so obvious as uncontrollable crying, I can work to make my life better.


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My mood is spastic. A day or two of morbid depression. A day or two of hypomania escalating up. Anxiety hangs out with both, though.  The anxiety is worse when I’m depressed, but it’s always there.  Free-floating, not reality based anxiety.

And the worst part is the intrusive thoughts that anxiety drags with it.  An example… I saw in my minds eye that one of the cats would jump into the oven when it was opened to get the holiday turkey out, and he’d knock hot gravy everywhere and get it in his eye and put his eye out with it.  I can’t stop these thoughts. They just sneak up on me while I’m going about trying to live.

I hate the intrusive thoughts the most.  I’m used to low to moderate anxiety. I don’t like it, but I’m accustomed to it. But these intrusive anxious thoughts are not usual for me the last couple years. This is like the old crap when I had to be hospitalized in 07.  I sure hope the lamotrigine kicks in soon and this goes away.


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When I find myself scrubbing the bathroom walls at 11 o’clock at night, I know I’m getting a tad manic.  Not that scrubbing bathroom walls is bad. I just never do it at all, much less late at night, when I’m not getting manic.

I should have realized my brain had flipped around when suddenly I could think clearly to complete a project that’s had me in tears from its complexity the last few days. Or maybe when at 10pm I called a friend out of the blue to just run my mouth. But no, I didn’t realize until I was standing there scrubbing the bathroom walls. LOL

Oh the joys of bipolar disorder!

Well, the bathroom walls are clean, at any rate.


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