Archive for the “depression” Category

Not just the blues, but the mega-blues. The mondo gonna eat your world for breakfast but that’s ok cuz your world sucks anyways kind of depression blues.

Lady Dr. Shrink says she is comfortable with me not being as heavily medicated as most of her clients because I have great insight into my bipolar disorder. Lack of insight is a common problem. I should know. I had my share of it for many years when I stopped going to doctors because I felt too good, too energetic, too on top of the world to be bothering with them. But now I do better.

I am particularly aware of manic symptoms. I’m sure this is good. Mania is when I tear my life to shreds. I sometimes  enjoy it along the way, but when the manic tide passes I find myself sitting in a bad living situation in a different state, with a pile of debt beyond my eyeballs, and generally some man in my life I’m wondering why I put there. I’m thoroughly tired of putting my life back together from chaos like that, so I have worked hard to have excellent insight into manic symptoms since I was diagnosed with manic depression. So far so good.

I realized yesterday, though, that I don’t have nearly as good insight into my depressive symptoms. I realized that after spending most of the day just feeling uninterested in anything and sort of lost. It didn’t occur to me until late in the day that it might be depression. Maybe that’s because they’re so passive in comparison to manic symptoms. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much time in depression over my life that it just seems normal to me. Depression is more insidious, and I don’t find myself in a different state with some man when I come out of it, but it does make my life generally cruddy. So maybe I need to work on this one.

Symptoms of  depression according to NIMH are

  • difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • fatigue and decreased energy
  • feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • irritability, restlessness
  • loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • overeating or appetite loss
  • persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Some of them seem pretty obvious, like uncontrollable crying and the death and suicide stuff. But some are so subtle and so tangled in a mind moving like sludge that they’re not obvious at first.  I think I’ll print a copy of this list and stick it nearby until I have it in my head what I’m looking out for as far as depression.  That way when it’s not so obvious as uncontrollable crying, I can work to make my life better.


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My mood is spastic. A day or two of morbid depression. A day or two of hypomania escalating up. Anxiety hangs out with both, though.  The anxiety is worse when I’m depressed, but it’s always there.  Free-floating, not reality based anxiety.

And the worst part is the intrusive thoughts that anxiety drags with it.  An example… I saw in my minds eye that one of the cats would jump into the oven when it was opened to get the holiday turkey out, and he’d knock hot gravy everywhere and get it in his eye and put his eye out with it.  I can’t stop these thoughts. They just sneak up on me while I’m going about trying to live.

I hate the intrusive thoughts the most.  I’m used to low to moderate anxiety. I don’t like it, but I’m accustomed to it. But these intrusive anxious thoughts are not usual for me the last couple years. This is like the old crap when I had to be hospitalized in 07.  I sure hope the lamotrigine kicks in soon and this goes away.


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Nothing sweet about this chariot, though. Painted gray. The dull gray that echoes the weeping skies.

Like every bipolar person does at sometimes, I wail, “Where did it go? It’s all gone. Will I never have it again?”

It… the energy, the life, the pizzazz, the will, the ability.

I have none of it now. I don’t feel I ever will again.

But the curse-blessing is that whatever goes down will come up. I pray. Or I will go down unto disappearing.


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Bipolar, I guess.  And what picked me back up off the floor?  No clue, but I wish I knew that so I could do it again. LOL  Therapist agreed with that sentiment when I talked to her.

Yesterday, after 3 days of severe depression, I woke up feeling not too bad off, just a little down. Shoot, that felt sublime by comparison, though I didn’t have much energy and nothing was very rosy even things that should be. But by evening I was back to baseline mood.  Obviously baseline, because I found out some bad news yesterday evening, cried for maybe 5 minutes about it like anyone might, then was ok and went on with my night.

Roses are rosy again. Crap stinks.  Life as it should be.

Can’t knock that. :)


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With this in the bedroom to wake up to, how can anyone be depressed?

head

Takes talent. heh Read the rest of this entry »


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That’s what my therapist said when I saw her yesterday.  Well, that was cheery, I tell you. But she was right. She never saw me when I first showed up at County mental health and had to be hospitalized with a horrid mess of bipolar mixed mania. Read the rest of this entry »


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LMAO…

Someone, and maybe a lot of someones missed the whole point in my last post from two days ago. The point was that just positive thinking (and nothing else positive to go with it) doesn’t fix things. Positive action is needed too. Both are needed to help with mental illness. This combination won’t cure bipolar or any other mental illness, but it can help.

Have I condensed it enough there? Is it clear enough now that I removed the examples? In case it wasn’t, I’ll use the last two days as an example below.

SMAO …

It wouldn’t be a wonder if today I sat around sobbing and saying the world is going to end and everything is bad, rather than saying positive thinking plus positive action is needed to help myself.  Why? Because yesterday started a downward crash that has the potential to be lethal.

Downward crash, you say? Why yes, crash. I started the day ok aside from hungover from the Zyprexa I figured I finally had to take the night before because my mania just wouldn’t quit.  Then by noon I didn’t want to live any more. I sat and sobbed quite a lot the rest of the day. It was hard to move and talk and do anything.  It was liked I’d crashed into a wall made up of sticky molasses depression that no matter what I did, refused to let me go.  For that matter, I’m still dripping this molasses depression all over my office chair.

So what did I do?  I THOUGHT POSITIVE in a realistic manner and ACTED POSITIVE.  I’m still in the grips of this depression, but yes, I think it helped.  It didn’t spiral further, at any rate.

Initial depressed thought… I don’t feel like like living any more. I don’t have the energy. This always happens to me.
Followed by rational and positve thought… That is how I feel right now, although this doesn’t always happen; I was manic and happy yesterday. This feeling will go away. It always does, and it usually doesn’t last very long. In the meanwhile I’ll do something to distract myself since that almost always makes me feel somewhat better at least.
Positive action… I worked, even though I felt like hari kari instead. It felt like slogging through mud.
Outcome…  In the end I got to see that I accomplished something. And I’m still here today to write about it, though still depressed.

What if I’d just done the “think positive” thing? This is the type of thing I forced myself to do for years and years.

Initial depressed thought… I don’t feel like like living any more. I don’t have the energy and this always happens.
Followed by positve thought (sans positive action to follow)… Things always get better. There’s a whole wonderful world out there.
Which gets followed by more depressive thought… Oh yeah right, and then it always gets worse too. And if it’s such a whole wonderful world out there, how come I can’t make any friends that mean anything?  Why do cats get run over in the world?
Forcefully followed by positive thought again… You just have to think positive! It’ll be better soon!  You do have friends!
Which gets followed by still more depressive thought… Oh yeah, right. My depressions have lasted up to ohhhhhh 3 years. I was manic yesterday so I probably have 3 years of this crap. If I live that long. But cats will still get run over by cars.
ETC.  See the spiral there?  The action in the first example was the key for me to get out of it.

There were other positive actions I took, along with positive thinking, that got me through a suicidally depressed day, which is a damned big help if you ask me. I went shopping with a couple of friends. I was so depressed it made my whole body hurt to go shopping with them, but it kept me distracted and moving, so that is just a thing. I played with my cats — who are indoor cats and not run over. Again, movement and distraction.   Oh I just felt like laying in the bed doing nothing. I didn’t have the energy for anything else really — thus the pain from shopping. But I kept forcing myself to go on. I ate lunch and dinner, neither of which did I want or have appetite for.

I know that I, and probably most people, with mental illness of whatever variety, desperately need positive action, no matter how small, to go with positive thinking, in order to help themselves.

Yeah, I still feel like life is useless and why should I bother and I so really want to go back to bed and do nothing. But I  need to do something for me or the spiral will just get worse. And too much worse would mean I’m not around to blog or do anything any more. I won’t accept that. So positive action to go with realistic and positive thinking will have to be it. Even if I cry rivers of tears while I do it.


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“We're all crazy and the only difference between patients and their therapists is the therapists haven't been caught yet.” ~~Max Walker
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