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When I started blogging about dealing with bipolar disorder, I was actually sort of ecstatic that we’d finally found the key to helping me. After all, I’d been dealing with the symptoms of manic depression with no help whatsoever  for about 30 years at that point. I was basically of the mind that it was a pain in the butt to deal with, but I’d find a way to make it ok. I felt that if I could just survive the side effects and deal with lifestyle changes it would all be ok.

That changed.  It took a year or two, but that perspective is gone now. The honeymoon ended. That’s not to say all is hopeless gloom and doom. But I did realize that no matter what  lifestyle changes I made and no matter what meds I took, it’s not going to “all be ok.”  I got realistic.

I realize now that
… I’m probably always going to be at risk from stress, that I’m likely to have significant mood swings and symptoms when stressed.
… I can’t get rid of stress. I can work to lessen it and ameliorate it, but at times life will throw things at me that would be  just plain stressful for anyone.
… The meds are not magic pills and won’t make bipolar disorder lie down and die. I always said they weren’t magic and they could help, but I secretly believed they would fix things. Now I believe what I said. 
… If I take high enough doses of meds to pretty much completely get rid of  mood swings and symptoms, I will have side effects that are hard to live with, but if I take less then I’m more susceptible to stress and whatnot. It’s a real Catch22.
… I can continue my lifestyle management from here on out or suffer the consequences.  I do not prefer consequences. I’d sure like to be able to stay up late again, though.

Sometimes I do get down about these realities. Mostly, though, seeing reality reinforces that I get to choose how to deal with this bipolar stuff. I do have the option of going wacko with symptoms. And I have the option of taking care of myself — which does mean doing some things I don’t prefer — and I’ll feel generally ok more of the time.  I choose the latter, over and over again. But somehow it helps me to know I have a choice.


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I got to the doc. Got help with the pain — and PT coming up soon. I slept. And slept. And got back to a pretty normal mood. I miss the hypomania, really. But I’m very happy to stop the bipolar ride up since it always turns sour in the end. I’m happy I didn’t have to try the new emergency med. Phew! I feel lucky that just some plain old sleep fixed me back up.

So life is pretty good all around. :)


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That’s how long it seems since I’ve posted. LOL  Shit has happened. Good things too.  Now I’m a year older than I was a few days ago. And I’m getting manic.

SLEEP!

insomnia makes me manicThat’s what I need. And I need a lot of it.  For my sanity.  Almost 2 weeks now I haven’t had a full night’s sleep because of RLS and neuritis. If the stupid hopping legs aren’t waking me up, rolling over on that nerve is. Waking up 20+ times a night is aggravating for anyone. For bipolar me, it’s dangerous — it makes me manic. Luckily I’m still “just” hypomanic. So mostly I just babble and want to spend money (though no fear, I don’t — I have none to spend LOL).  The lovely catch 22 is that the more hyper and manic I am, the harder it is to even get to sleep, much less stay there. Even with ativan for sleep. Urgh. This is nuts.

Oddly enough, though, I didn’t start getting manic until *looks at mood chart* 3 days ago. I guess that means my crazy meds are where they should be.  I mean, it kept me straight until over a week of way too little sleep. Good job!

So what am I doing about it?

Today I have an appointment with my PCP to see about dealing with the RLS and neuritis. It’s probably caused by a new blood pressure med. I think, anyway, since it started around the time I started the med and has just gotten worse and worse.  So, we’ll deal with that and hopefully very soon RLS and neuritis won’t be waking my bipolar ass up over and over again.

And yes, my support people are aware of it and looking out for me. If I start acting paranoid in the least bit or being disconnected from reality somehow, they’ll let me — and if necessary my case manager — know, so it can be dealt with.

And I have my (unfortunately new) emergency med sitting on the desk here. Zyprexa was wonderful for my mania, and it worked very quickly for me. Unfortunately now that I’ve been diagnosed as being diabetic, I can’t take it any more. Wah wah! And all the atypical antipsychotics can be gnarly with blood sugar. So this time we try Navane.  A “typical” antipsychotic. New crazy meds. Urgh again. Considering that new psych meds so often give me weirdo side effects, that could be quite interesting.  We’ll see, I guess. Hopefully I won’t need to take it.  I must say I’m not holding my breath on that hope though.

Fiddle faddle on the whole mess. I’m going to go take a shower. Ta ta!




Photo Credit: LunaDiRimmel CC-A-NC-ND 2.0


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No, I’m not going to get off the roller coaster.  Not this lifetime, apparently. And this lifetime isn’t done yet by a good bit.

I didn’t mean to alarm anyone. I just have much of nothing to say. So much is going on and I’m a loss for chat. I don’t even feel like talking about it all.

But I’m ok.  *hugs all around*


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Stop the roller coaster. I want to get off.


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If you don’t like my pity party get lost.  I”m not writing this for you. I’m writing it for me. Read the rest of this entry »


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On top of everything else, I just got diagnosed as diabetic.  I feel completely overwhelmed.  I spend so much energy trying to manage the bipolar disorder and PTSD and asthma and COPD. Now this to manage too?  I’m not sure I can. My life is becoming just a series of things to manage and not much else.  It hardly seems worth getting up in the morning.  Situational depression speaks. ha! Oh well.

I do have the option of just ignoring the diabetes. It’s occurred to me. But I did watch my grandmother go blind and die of diabetic complications.  I’m not sure I’d mind it killing me. I’d mind going blind very much though, and I’d mind all the suffering along the way.  So I guess I will have to manage this too.  I don’t feel the least bit up to the task.

And oh yeah, the gut spasms I had that were supposedly caused by the Abilify came back. Is it the lamotrigine? IBS? Colon cancer?  Trying to get in to see the GI guy to find out.

And my business is completely going down the tubes.

On the plus side… errrrr… no one I know has died in the last few weeks. My cat is cute and snuggly. I’m not bald. That’s all I can think of at the moment.

Life is just pretty much sucking.


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