When I started blogging about dealing with bipolar disorder, I was actually sort of ecstatic that we’d finally found the key to helping me. After all, I’d been dealing with the symptoms of manic depression with no help whatsoever for about 30 years at that point. I was basically of the mind that it was a pain in the butt to deal with, but I’d find a way to make it ok. I felt that if I could just survive the side effects and deal with lifestyle changes it would all be ok.
That changed. It took a year or two, but that perspective is gone now. The honeymoon ended. That’s not to say all is hopeless gloom and doom. But I did realize that no matter what lifestyle changes I made and no matter what meds I took, it’s not going to “all be ok.” I got realistic.
I realize now that
… I’m probably always going to be at risk from stress, that I’m likely to have significant mood swings and symptoms when stressed.
… I can’t get rid of stress. I can work to lessen it and ameliorate it, but at times life will throw things at me that would be just plain stressful for anyone.
… The meds are not magic pills and won’t make bipolar disorder lie down and die. I always said they weren’t magic and they could help, but I secretly believed they would fix things. Now I believe what I said.
… If I take high enough doses of meds to pretty much completely get rid of mood swings and symptoms, I will have side effects that are hard to live with, but if I take less then I’m more susceptible to stress and whatnot. It’s a real Catch22.
… I can continue my lifestyle management from here on out or suffer the consequences. I do not prefer consequences. I’d sure like to be able to stay up late again, though.
Sometimes I do get down about these realities. Mostly, though, seeing reality reinforces that I get to choose how to deal with this bipolar stuff. I do have the option of going wacko with symptoms. And I have the option of taking care of myself — which does mean doing some things I don’t prefer — and I’ll feel generally ok more of the time. I choose the latter, over and over again. But somehow it helps me to know I have a choice.
Babbled by Immi.
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I love you and no matter what you think: I am sure you are doing pretty good at dealing with that stuff. Better than many people I know and most of them are not even bipolar – hehe take that! ;o)
Seriously: Life is not nice to us at many times but as long as we have the chance and the choice to deal with it – the other opportunity is not being alive at all – not so much fun, huh?
Oh and I guess I haven’t told you lately: I have learned to deal with my own life much better through our conversations and that’s something I am really thankful for! SO: THANK YOU BIG TIME! *hugs*
Oh I’m good at dealing with it all. According to Lady Dr Shrink better than anyone she’s met before. I still would prefer a magic pill over having to working at dealing with it all the time tho. *grin*
I’m glad you’re able to cope with your stuff better. Yay! You’re welcome.
I could have written this post
I don’t like taking such high doses of meds, but without them, my life just isn’t manageable. I’ve got some EPS, not too severe, and some weight gain from the Seroquel, again not much, but I wish I didn’t have to deal with either of those problems. At this point, I have to take the meds, and deal with the side effects, to have a good quality of life.
You know the drill. Thanks for a great post!
NE – I’m flattered
It does seem to be a matter of trying to find whatever balance makes for the best quality of life. Side effects are a darned nuisance though.
Hey Immi,
Great post and it really resonates with me. Lately, even though I have been feeling so excellent and been so productive, the stress of all kinds of shit going on that I have no control over has started to wear on me and get me down. I am barely managing it. It’s so disappointing to me that I cannot cope better, even though my mood is stable and I am generally very functional. There are just certain things I cannot handle, and it’s been hard to accept. I thought this period of wellness would mean that I could also handle more stress, but it has turned out to not be the case…
Hugs to you!
Thank you for what you wrote, in this post. I really identify with you, just especially where I am at right at this moment. I want to scream at BD sometimes and cry, and it just doesn’t feel fair having to constantly make those choices every day. We work so hard just to try and be “normal.” Its tiring. It’s a battle of fighting our own symptoms against us, or the medication side effects against us. I hate it. Sometimes I have great days, but sometimes it all seems like too much.
thts the right thing man reality is very different thn choices because choice never happen reality….
thts the right thing man ….
very nice and awesome post regarding topic…..
there is so much difference between this because there is no possible tht u like tht thing always choosen by u….because reality is different….