I’m not even sure what to say. It’s been a bad week. I thought about blogging about it, and couldn’t think how to say what was going on. My PTSD tried to eat me for breakfast.
I found out that a family friend is on the registered sex offenders list for having sex with his young daughters many years ago. An incestual child abuser. My rational mind believed he’s paid for his offense with his jail time. My PTSD believed it’s just another sign the world is dangerous and evil. My therapist says I can’t be around him or any known child abuser in my home. Considering how rough this week was — severe insomnia, nightmares, vomiting, confusion, panic attacks, shaking fits, suicidal thoughts, depression, jumping at every noise — I have to agree with her. So, he won’t be around any more, my mother, who’s also my housemate, agrees. He will not. I’m still recovering.
I’m frustrated and sad that I can get this knocked over out of the blue by something that is in the present actually no threat to me. And by someone I don’t have a particular emotional attachment to. It’s sort of demoralizing. I don’t blame myself for it. But it feels so limiting. Oh well. As Therapist says, “Life is messy.”
I am sure of a couple of things, though.
I’m sure that I’m grateful and glad I’m not having a bipolar episode right now. Phew. On top of the rest, it would be too much.
I am also very sure that I’m proud of making it to 14 years clean and sober today. 
In spite of everything. Yay for me! The cocaine addiction not only didn’t kill me, but I’ve gotten clean of it for all these years. I must be stronger than I feel inside. I’m being taken out to eat to celebrate tonight. I toast myself with sweet tea. LOL
Babbled by Immi.
Entries (RSS)
Congrats on your 14 years, Immi! I’m glad you’re going out to celebrate! I hope it gives you a bit of joy today.
this news would have knocked me off my feet too – so do not think bad of yourself for being knocked down by it.
I know it does not help much when you are currently knock down but you once told me: “just remind me it’ll pass!” so I will do now: hey, girlfriend it’ll pass and here is a big big hug.
way to go girl! 14 years is really really cool!
xoxox
This has been a fucked up week. I’m ready for it to be over. AND congratulations on 14 years! That’s amazing!
Congratulations on your 14 years, hope the celebration was happy after all you’ve been through. Stuff, people, that bring back bad memories suck especially with PTSD. Sorry you had to suffer thru that.
Congratulations on being 14 years clean … that’s fantastic!
14 years!! Wow. What an achievement. You should be so proud of yourself. I’m proud of you!
Immi,
Hello! Congrats on 14 years of clean and sober. That is a HUGE accomplishment!
Sorry to hear that you’re not doing so well in other ways. I can certainly understand how finding out the truth about this man could destabilize you. I am glad that you and your mother agree that he has no place in your home. That should be your safety place!
Hugs,
Tamara
Congrats on the 14 years, Immi! Total brilliance
Also, congrats on making such a tough decision for yourself. It is limiting, in a sense but there’s also the fact that you’ve gone with the option to take care of yourself. That’s a move in the right direction even if the rest of it kinda sucks. *hugs*
WC – Thanks
The sushi was awesome.
DKM – Oh that nasty week got you too? bummer. Hope it’s passed now.
Laura – Thanks! Even I think it’s pretty darmned good.
Polar – Thanks
I am pretty proud of m yself.
Tamara – Big one, yeah.
CK – You hit the nail on the head… limiting but gotta take care of myself. Ah well.
Congratulations on 14 years of sobriety! That is HUGE and I so very happy for you.
I am so sorry to hear about how you’ve been feeling and what caused you to feel this way. As you know, I have been sexually abused in the past and just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. I was diagnosed with PTSD as well because of it. I try my best to forget it all.
I hope that you get to feeling better soon. I wish I could make you some sweet tea as a gift.
*hugs*