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I fell apart today. Every side effect just about came flying back like a crazed chipmunk eating  at my brain.  And ranging dysphoric manic suicidal depression too.  No more topamax.  I don’t have the energy to keep coping with this. I reall really really have to be able to work, and I can’t with all this going on. So at least for now, until we can come up with a better way to ramp me up on it, no more of that.  I put my pill box back the way it originally was. Lady Dr. Shrink had said that was fine if the side effects were too much. They were. I did. I still feel pretty awful, but not raging or suicidal, so much better as things go. Tomorrow or Sunday I should be pretty darned ok again. Thus closes this most recent chapter of adventures in bipolar medications.  I don’t think I’ll pick that book up for a darned long time.

I felt a lot better yesterday in general. Not right yet, but getting there. In spite of forgetting to halve the night Trileptal dose. More drowsy, though. So I took a nap. I didn’t have a whole lot of choice in the matter. Well, I did have a choice. Nap sitting up or nap laying down.  I chose laying down.

The long nap — and the higher dose of Trileptal the night before –  is probably why I’m awake now. I don’t feel hyper or hypomanic, just awake. I laid down for an hour and couldn’t sleep, so finally got back up. Laying in bed staring at the cat’s butt all night just doesn’t cut it.  I’ll be ok. The ultra-critical part of my sleep schedule is getting up at the same time, I’ve found. So I’ll get up then, no matter what time I get to sleep. And since I keep falling out in the middle of the  afternoon from the topamax anyway, I guess I’ll get my sleep anyway, just in chunks.

I did get my pill box straight for the rest of the week. *eyeroll*  I feel silly for forgetting that. Laura, I need your voice in my head to remind me stuff like that. LOL I’ll be sure to get the lower dose of evening Trileptal in it for next week too. Oh yes, I’ll be sure of that. hehe

Something really good did happen yesterday did happen. I was released by my surgeon! Yay!  The surgeon said I’ll be stuck with knee clicks and aches in weather forever because of this knee injury, but eh well, nothing to be done about that. And hey, I can walk without a limp and I’m not in crippling pain so it’s a ton better. I got to call my lawyer and say, we’re done with what can be done for my knee, so let’s get this mess over with.  I am so ready to get all this done and paid for and totally behind me.  :)

Today was better. I was still kind of whacked early in the day from the topamax. Ok, lots of kinds of whacked. But not as severely whacked as I was the day before. So apparently dropping back 1/4 of the Trileptal helped. And then after an afternoon nap, I woke up and didn’t feel too bad at all.  Woo! So by 5pm I felt relatively ok. And the horrid random recurring depression has been gone since.

I figured I’d best get some work done, since trying to work while whacked is not very successful. Work work work. Woo!  Then time for the night meds rolled around. So what’d I do? I took them!  And about 20 minutes later I went, OH CRAP! I’d forgotten to split the evening Trileptal.

Gotta laugh or I’d cry.

I may be more whacked later tonight and tomorrow, but at least now I know that cutting back the Trileptal while going up on the Topamax does help a good bit. IF I remember to do it. LOL  So I chopped up all the evening Trileptal in the rest o fthe week’s night pills box.  Don’t want to blow that again.

I got semi-sane from side effects of the new Topamax around 7:30pm.  Only 22 hours after taking the stuff last night. Not bad? *snort*  Good thing the psychiatrist called at 8pm.  I had to read to her the list of side effects I’ve been writing on this lil index card all day. If she’d called earlier, I might not have had what it took to do that properly.

Kind of an awesome list, really. Drunk/stoned/whacked feeling; drooling especially when talking; big burping issue; slept but hard to get to sleep because “hyper imagination/daydream” thing going on; kept waking up from weird dreams; depressed and anxious tho that may be just because all this is depressed and anxiety-provoking;  balance off, stumbling; diet coke tastes like piss; memory sux; dizzy; word find problems in a weird way, common words vanishing, odd words showing up; concentration sux; clumsy; lips tingle; around 11:30am got verrrrrrrrrrrry sleepy; some nausea

Can we just say WHACKED???

Obviously this stuff has hit me like a ton of bricks. Lady Dr. Shrink was amazed since this is such a small dose. Me too, really. I wouldn’t have started it if I’d thought it would disable me like this.  It’s so much liek what the Trileptal did to me at first that all my support folks and me wondered if maybe we’re just not hitting the temporal lobe too hard by adding Topamax too. Both work primarily there. So doc talked, albeit in a herky jerky fashion with my word find issues, and worked out that I would try dropping back my night dose of Trileptal by half to go along with the new Topamax, and stick at that for at least a week. I wrote *that* on another index card so I wouldn’t be confused about it later.

So… I took the 25mg Top and 300mg Trileptal almost an hour ago. I feel a bit woozy, but not as nuts as last night. Wish me luck.

/ begin praise for the blog powers that be
All hail and praise for spell check! All hail and praise for being able to proof! So should be my tongue! O Bless me Dem Blog Powers Dat Be!
/ end praise for the blog powers that be

Again!  I”m too whacked/drunik/stoned from the new topamax to drive. And drooling, esp when I talk. But I. Can’t. Drive. Again.

[ insert really loud crazy scream here ]

Anybody want to buy a car?  I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to drive it for a whole month in a row.

But I remembered why I want to take the stuff.  I had to do a damned  search on this blog. again. Because I couldn’t remember from last night. Maybe because I was crying rivers.

*bangs head on desk*

I sure hope this settles soon.

And diet coke tastes like piss. ARGH!  My one diet coke a day and now it tastes like piss.

*bangs head on desk again*

And I have to go to the dentist today.  Oh buddy ole friend will you give me a ride because I CANNOT DRIVE. AGAIN.

Topamaxtastic?  *sigh*

I started the Topomax (Topamax?) tonight. 25 tiny little milligrams. At 9:30pm. That’s once, eh? Most people start at 50 mg twice a day.  But noooooo, not me. I’m sensitive to meds, so 25mg once a day to start. Ayup.

*WHAP* Right between the eyes. Stoned/goofy/d9itzy/drunk. Eyes wide fricking open like a crazy person. (Oh wait, these *are* crazy meds eh?  They’re called that because they make you crazy right? RIGHT?) Oh lord, this is just like when I started Trileptal. And do I recall something like this from Lamictal? Can’t say on the latter tho I could look it up. Memory is not so hot at the moment unless it’s way ground in stuff. Why did I want to do this?  Maybe I should look it up on the handy search feature on my blog because I can’t remember.  Tho I may drool into the keyboard and short it out.  (What is it with this drool stuff? That’s a new one!) Or burp and kill it with my breath.

*stops and uses handy search feature* Oh, won’t affect my breathing meds like Trileptal does. That’s good. Maybe not wreck my stomach. That’s a nice thought.  Weight negative. Oh I like that. (God, why am I remembering Jack Sparrow talking about immortality as captain of the flying dutchman now? LOL!) Plus all the nifty stuff that Trileptal does without arguing with everything over liver enzymes the way it does.  Ok, nince.

But this dain bramage… not so nice. Too much stuff hitting my temporal lobe at once.  Just like upping my Trileptal dose too much.t’ll pass, but just why do this?  Why not up one and down the other? Oh, in case I got whacko. Cripes, I’ve proven I’m damned good at handling stuff, and THIS is stuff to handle.  I was depressed to begin with, now I’m stoned and depressed. And annoyed.  So much of an improvement. *sigh* Gotta love bipolar disorder and bipolar meds, eh?  Um, yeah, right.

Gotta call the doc in the morning. Ok, well, call the therapist who will email the shrink who will call me in the late afternoon.  *shakes head*

I’m not sure I can close my eyes properly, but I’ll give it a whack. (How many whayucks do you normally git?)

AM UPDATE: Left message for therapist/doc. Still stoned/drunk feeling. *sigh* I’m tired of this.