I don’t want to write this post
Posted by: Immi in 3 alarm fire days, addiction, bipolar, mental illness
… but I need to write it. It’s not that I don’t want to write this post because I’m scared of what anyone will say. I don’t want to write it because I don’t want to face the facts. I need to write it for me, though, to face it all. I need to see it here in black and white, an incontrovertible presence.
I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13. To impress a 13 year old boy, of all things. It worked, but I’ve always thought since that it wasn’t such a good thing that it did. Within 6 months I was smoking a pack a day, and that habit has come with me through all the good and bad along the way. Wellness and illness have all been seen through a smoldering housefire sort of haze. Over 30 years later, it’s taken its toll on me.
Smoking is common in people with bipolar disorder. There’s some research pointing to the fact that it may have an affect on dopamine transmission, and that may be why. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11379841) And heavy smokers with bipolar tend to have more psychotic symptoms. (http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=1033592). That would be me too. And a huge percentage of people with manic depression smoke. So I am common and usual, eh?
As one could guess from all that, it’s killing me. Literally. It’s killing my ability to breathe and that will surely do me in. Not today most likely, nor probably even tomorrow. But chances of me living another 20 years as a smoker are very slim. I doubt I’ll feel great along the way, either. I’m 44 years old. Suddenly that feels far to young to die.
This most recent bout of bronchitis has shown me that my life is funneling quickly down an oxygen tank as a bedfellow or death. I can’t avoid it slip around it any more. My choices are narrowing so quickly it’s frightening. Quit smoking or get a pulmonologist and start with the heavy duty stuff like continual steroids which make me hallucinate when I even take them occasionally, or oxygen, or who knows what.
There’s nothing more on the GP level that can be done for me. We’re already doing it all, and it’s starting to not work. Even if I quit smoking now it may not work.
I’ve never had to be on two rounds of prednisone so close together, but here I am on a second round not a month after another one. The bronchitis is gone, but the asthma and COPD are doing a number on me. I wheeze so loudly much of the time that you can hear it from 10 feet away.
So quit smoking is in the cards, to at least try to slow down the freight train if not stop it. I’m not even sure I see a light at the end of the tunnel. It might just be the freight train’s light. But I have fought so much for so long that I can’t give up. I have to at least try. I just a year-ish ago got a diagnosis that leads to real treatment for this bipolar disorder that’s tried to kill me for so long. I held on for so long for hope of that. I don’t want to be totally crippled or croak now.
The doctor, when laying the details of this dismal news on me, suggested that I talk to my psychiatrist before quitting, since I see her Monday. Discuss possible ways to make it easier on me to quit. My therapist and I have discussed it too. So maybe, just maybe I can manage it. There’s more hope now than ever, at least.
You see, the reason I’ve not succeeded in quitting the 1431 times I’ve tried is because I get so hysterical and suicidal that even my medical doctors have suggested smoking a cigarette. As someone who’s still got railroad stitches up the inside of one arm from attempting suicide 20 years ago, quitting has been more dangerous to me than smoking. Unfortunately now the playing field is evening out as far as that danger.
I’m a smoking addict. I faced down cocaine addiction. I faced down alcohol. I faced down all the illicit substances I used to abuse with the help of the Divine, 12 steps, rational recovery, friends, and alternating stubbornness and humility. I feel like hiding under the bed and wishing it will all go away. I know it won’t. More’s the pity. I have to face the cigarettes down too unless I choose to keep sliding towards that oxygen bottle and death.
Babbled by Immi.
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I have a friend in a similar position. When she’s well (and I mean comparitively) she has the willpower to give up but in a suicidal depression a cigarette is sometimes all that stands between life and death. The worst thing is due to anti-smoking laws you can’t even smoke inside a mental health unit any more.
I totally feel for you Immi…
I smoked for many years and only quit about a year and a half ago.
I don’t know if everyone can quit frankly. I’ve worked with hundreds of people who smoke because of their mental health issues…as you pointed out it’s common with people labeled bipolar and also those who are labeled schizophrenic…
I discovered that psych drugs made me more addicted. I actually quit for two years once and started again when I added an antidepressant that made me agitated…also stimulants really triggered me…
so for me getting off meds really helped me quit.
but for some people I know that is not possible and when I was a social worker I used to tell my clients not to beat themselves up when their docs harassed them…
granted your situation is dire with the breathing problems, but I again want to suggest you not beat yourself up and take this one day at time and figure it out for yourself without making it harder for yourself….
peace be with you.
Giannas last blog post..“Powerful antipsychotic medicines are being used far too cavalierly in children”
I’ve actually heard a statistic that 60 - 70% of people with mental illnesses have addictions of some kind, most commonly nicotine.
I don’t know what to say to you, Immi. My heart goes out to you. I guess what I can say is CHOOSE LIFE.
Wandering Coyotes last blog post..You Don’t Have to Be Sick to Say No
Immi, I hope you are able to overcome this struggle. I wish there were 12 step programs for cigarettes, just like there are for so many other things. I don’t need to tell you it’s one day at a time….or one minute at a time if necessary.
Bradleys last blog post..Keith Olbermann Speaks Out
As you know, Immi … I can soooo relate to this post. I want to desperately quit because I know the things are killing me but gathering the strength to do so is another isuue. Like you. I become almost hysterical without my smokes. Maybe the two of us can find a way of doing this. I’m only 43 and like you, I don’t want to die young.
Lauras last blog post..Called Into Work
@la - Yeah, staying alive has to be paramount. My trick now is to find out how to do that in the midst of those fits without smoking a cig. It’ll be interesting to put it midly.
@Gianna - I’m beating myself up little at the worst and none at times. I’m just sort of in shock, I think. Beating me up definitely won’t help any of it.
@WC - Yes, I choose life. I am going to quit. I just don’t know exactly how I’ll manage it. I’ll talk to the shrink and see what ideas she has.
@Laura - I thought of you and your struggles when I wrote this. The only thing I can say for smoking was that it was a slower method of doing myself in, so I at least have a chance to straighten it out and stop it. Now I just need to stop it. Peesacake. heh Not.
Bradley, sorry I missed you there. There is a 12 step program for nicotine addiction, actually. I think there’s one for anything. But I figure treating it like any other addiction (which is what they do) is the way to go.
yup, Immi, it is and you’ve kicked two other addictive substances…I was going to say something like that but I didnt’ know if you used 12 steps or not…but yeah they do have nicotine anonymous…
and for myself cold-turkey was best because nicotine replacement stuff just kept me addicted….and relapsing…
but perhaps for you, if it causes radical shifts in mood careful application of a nicotine replacement product might help you wean down slowly…
I called a smoking cessation program in my state and they did phone counseling…if their stats are right more people do better with nicotine replacement stuff…but for me I finally said later to the phone counselors and did it my way and it had to be cold turkey….
the first time I quit for 2 years was cold turkey too after trying nicotine replacement stuff too…
if I were you at this juncture I would start experimenting and see if any of those products help or hinder…we learn from every relapse….it doesn’t have to be a failure.
Giannas last blog post..My latest withdrawal symptom
Immi,
Much strength sent to you in this struggle. I know that it is not easy on many levels. You are an intelligent, motivated woman and it sounds to me like you accomplish most of what you set your mind to. I hope that can work with smoking.
I wish I had ideas but I don’t. I can just send good thoughts your way and say I am in your corner.
Hugs,
Tamara
Tamaras last blog post..Sorry all - I am out of time for a few days
I could have written this post myself! (as I sit smoking with my inhaler right next to me) I have been on HIGH doses of prednisone and I am doing neb treatments about every three hours, yet I still keep smoking. I don’t know how to stop without hallucinations and anxiety that will push me over the edge. If you find something that works…PLEASE share.
@Gianna - In the end it’s always cold turkey, only a difference of what leads up to it. I’ll give whatever I can a whack and see how each one goes. I relapsed many times with the other stuff and finally found what stuck. Something’s got to work with this too.
@Tamara - Thanks. I appreciate all the good thoughts I can get.
@Tempy - I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same boat. I’ll let you know what I figure out.
Immi,
I just started smoking, previously i would smoke maybe 2 cigarettes a year.
Since Sept i am smoking one pack a week. it calms me down. I actually feel better and peaceful.
Strange that.
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(((Immi))) <3BL
Border Lifes last blog post..Squish Squish
@Susan - Stop. Drop it now. It’s not worth it.
@BL - Thanks *hugs back atcha*
As an ex-smoker who has quit more times than I would like to count, once for as long as 10 years, I can totally relate. I just quit about three months ago, hopefully for my final time. The time before this last time that I quit I was in the hospital with pneumonia and was sick for months like you have been and also going crazy on steroids and inhalers mixed with psych meds. I quit to choose life. This last time that I quit, I did it to choose to keep more of my money.
My doctor has been very understanding of my situation and suggested nicotine replacement for me rather than cold turkey because of the suicidal depressions and crying jags I would go on without ciggies. During my last visit I told him I was now hooked on the stupid nicotine gum and didn’t know if I could get off of it. He told me that nicotine gets a bad rap and that I may benefit from a certain amount of it in my system due to reasons you mentioned above in your post. He said he would rather I chewed the gum for the rest of my life than smoked. I hope not to chew for years and years, but I am no longer beating myself up over it as it is a much healthier alternative. I pray your docs will come up with a good quit plan that works for you. And keep trying. You’ve come too far to give up now!!!
PreciousRocks last blog post..Oh, The Pain In A Mother’s Heart
PR - I wish I could stand the gum. But patch I can do. I won’t give up. Might take me a few whacks to get it right, but I’ll figure it out somehow.