…that I’m much more comfortable “talking” on my blog about bipolar stuff than the rest. The rest mostly being the various abuses I survived. Or the addictions I survived. Or the rape. Or the mugging at gunpoint. Or. Or. Or. Yes, the bipolar disorder is a total pain in the ass. It’s hard to live when you know your brain can suddenly fling you into seeming ecstasy or hell at any point no matter what’s going on. It’s hard to trust. But compound that with the other crap, which beats at me when good or bad things do happen around me. How will I ever learn to trust when for so so many years I could trust neither myself nor the world around me?
Bit by bit I struggle with trust, and all the shards of myself. So many pieces to deal with. Even when I feel pretty well like I do now, this stuff has the power to bring me to my knees. But when I feel pretty well is the best, safest time to deal with it. Dealing with the abuse and such has the power to lay me flat and nearly kill me when I’m already in a bad place. I’m coming to trust I can survive dealing with it. Slowly coming to that. I have to remind myself things like that about dealing with it when I’m pretty well. That I’ve survived the actuality and the bits I’ve faced so far. Bloody hell it hurts, though. I’d often rather go hide in a closet than struggle with all this trust and shit anymore.
Closets not withstanding, I’m doing better with dealing with the abuse and whatnot too. I need to recognize that.
Until I was in my early 30’s I only knew I hated my abusers, but didn’t know why. After the most powerful of them died, the memories came flooding back in living color, dolby surround sound, the whole wad. I’d never heard of the idea of “planted” repressed memories at the time. There was no one to plant the idea in my head at the time anyway. I just suddenly knew viscerally why I hated those family members who abused me worst, my father and his mother. And I hated them and myself and my life for it.
As I’ve scraped away the barnacles of hate and fear attached to what those two did to me, I’ve discovered more and more layers of pain and betrayal. Why DIDN’T my mother see that her baby with the eterally painful crotch was being abused? Why didn’t she ever do anything? Why did those horrid great-aunts have to torture me, though not so horridly, along with their sister? Why did they put up with it? Why couldn’t I save my brother from the same fate as me? When I offered up my life for him, why wasn’t it enough?
No wonder I became a drug addict. No wonder when I was raped I didn’t tell anyone for 20 years. No wonder I tried to kill myself several times, or ended up in the mental wards several times. No wonder the landscape between my ears is a wreck. I had no chance for a normal life. It’s kind of amazing I’ve lived long enough to tell anything about it.
At least now I do trust I’m going to live soberly to tell, to try to heal, to go on. That’s something. That’s definitely something.
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You brought a tear to my eye, I’m so glad you are releasing your emotions. You are such a strong individual, please give yourself credit… You’ve been through hell and you are still going strong. I’ll have to read back on your blogs sometime so I can get to know you better. You seem like a great person who has a beautiful soul. I’m very grateful we found each other on blogger, I wouldn’t want to miss out knowing a person like you.
Sending lots of love your way,
Hopeful Happiness
Hopeful Happinesss last blog post..Green Eyed Monster
ps — thank you for posting the link “Check My Meds”. I never knew grapefruit juice interated with my medications. Wow.. I guess you learn something new everyday!
♥
Hopeful Happinesss last blog post..Green Eyed Monster
that was really powerful
Gosh, I’m speechless X
raspberrys last blog post..I’m FINE!
@HH, Tempy, Raspberry - Tears, speechless, powerful… I’m so surprised, yall. Maybe just letting it out is all that. Thanks.
And HH, glad you found the Check My Meds link useful. I think it’s great myself.
That is very definitely something! And wow, what a post.
I know what’s it’s like to have that many unanswered questions boiling underneath everything. So many often exhausting layers to dig through but there’s so much strength and honest power behind your words.
Catatonic Kids last blog post..More than a label.
CK, yep, it’s exhausting in some ways, but energizing in others. I find more of me when each layer peels off the onion, so to speak.
Yea for courageous you! Glad you are wandering the earth and here
Thank you for sharing and being an inspiration.
<3 Border Life
Border Lifes last blog post..5 Schema Domains and Early Maladaptive Schemas
Thanks Border Life.
I understand some of what you are talking about. Talking about my symptoms, which are valid topics, can be a defense for me instead of feeling, talking about my feelings and dealing with the abuse. Well, done post…I like your honesty.
ClinicallyCluelesss last blog post..Better late than never…I hope.
Thanks CC. Sometimes anything to hide about is good enough.