I had forgotten…
Posted by: Immi in 0 not bad day, bipolar, depression, meds, mental illness… what it’s like to live without omnipresent depression. Most of the past few months I haven’t had a truly horrible black dog biting me, only occasionally. More like a little gray dog yapping at me and nibbling at my achilles tendon. Mild depression, except when getting manic, has been the rule, not the exception. And since I tend to the nasty cocktail of mixed mania, the depression hangs around even then, quite often. In the midst of all that, I lost track of what a middle, “normal” if you will, mood feels like.
The last few days I’m feeling pretty ok. I got damned sad about losing a friend. Well, doh, that’s sad. I got elated for a whole ten minutes about working out a knotty problem with work. Another doh, that’s a happy thing. But mostly I’m just feeling ok. No black or gray undercurrent. No wacky “omg the world is bright and I can do anything” either. I’ve just been ok, able to see the crappy and the good and respond to them in a way that isn’t tilted to one side or the other of the game board of life. I have enough energy to get what I need to done, without being wildly crazy or losing sleep. I think I like this “ok” stuff.
Hmmmms. You think the lamictal is working the way it’s supposed to… like… stabilizing my mood??? Part of me laughs and says no way. Part of me things just maybe so. All of me hopes so. Regardless, all things considered, feeling ok probably won’t last forever. Bipolar doesn’t allow that unless you actually medicate yourself into a total lack of mood. And forever doesn’t exist anyway. But I’ll enjoy it while I’m here.
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With major depression, PTSD and borderline personality, it is difficult for me to determine what feeling “normal” actually is or if there really is such a thing?
Glad you’re feeling generally better. That rocks! When meds work it’s great. Such a relief, though a bit awkward at first, sometimes anyway. Still, worth getting used to
@CC - I hear you. That becomes the problem with “normal”. What the heck is it? I’m guessing this is “normal”. At any rate, it’s level and that will do for now.
@CK - Thanks. It is awkward, but this awkward I can live with.
It’s great that you feel better. Everyday can be a struggle so it is important to appreciate the good days.
Thanks, Pink. Absolutely on appreciating the good days.
When I am unwell, I am an ultra-rapid cycler and experience mixed mood states more often than not. It is the most painful state of Bipolar in my opinion. I’m glad that you’re feeling better, and hopefully it will last this time!!
Thank you for visiting my blog, by the way, and if you don’t mind I’ll add you to my blogroll. Take care, Jena
sorry, just wanted to test commentluv. I see peoples last blog post at commentluv.com but I don’t see any here. sorry to interrupt!
@Jena - I agree TOTALLY about the mixed states. I land in them most, and .. oh ewwwwwwwww. The better will last til me and the pdoc start mucking with my meds again next week. hehe But it’s heading in the right direction at least.
@Andy - No problem. I’ve only had commentluv on for a good errrrrr 15 minutes or so and have been mucking with the site so much it probably just hasn’t shown up yet for folks. (Like when the whole site disappeared while I was playing with the template. hehe)