I was whizzing around the web today trying to forget the bs going on around me. I stumbled across a site called “Untreatable’s Blog -Borderline Personality Self Harm Depression“. Quite the title.
Apparently Untreatable has been diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Hmmms. I can see why Untreatable feels untreatable. It sounds kind of familiar, after all.
I’ve been variously diagnosed over the years as severe major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, severe neurosis, severe PMS/PMDD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder NOS (rapid cycling), Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (aka Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and somehow the docs missed the anorexia and substance abuse disorder as official diagnoses. Enough to make ya hurl huh? The docs seem to have settled for now labelling me with Bipolar Disorder NOS (rapid cycling), and Complex Traumatic Stress Disorder/or Borderline Personality Disorder. They can’t seem to make up their minds on that last bit. Do I feel untreatable? Sometimes I most definitely do. Other times not so much. I often wonder if I’m deluding myself those other times.
Right now that’s on my mind. Yes, I have been mostly stable for over a year. Except for hearing music that isn’t there and smelling bananas that aren’t there. And having to fight to get myself to bed or do my work or not bite someone’s head off when they’re being stupid sometimes because I’m hyper. The question is: Is that enough? True, I’m no longer so depressed I can’t get out of bed, and I’m no longer self-harming, and I’m not running amok about the net finding someone to fall in love with out of the blue and move in with, and I’m not digging myself further into debt. And the DBT is going well, but how the heck do you tell if you’re back together from that? Is that all enough?
The new pdoc, as I mentioned before, found the smelling non-existant bananas somewhat alarming. So ok, we tried going up on my meds. Didn’t work, so now trying a new med. Dammit, this could be an endless cycle, I sometimes think. Get one or two things in whack then discover something out of whack, so try this other thing. How on earth do you know if it’s enough?
What is sane enough anyway? Do you assess it by lack of hallucinatory songs and fruits? By lack of self- or other-harm? By graduating from DBT and taking your meds properly for X amount of time? Could it just be enough to have a decent life where you don’t treat anyone like crap including yourself and you’re reasonably content to live that way? I hope so.
By the way, the green aura from the Lamictal is almost totally gone. Just a tiny bit of green around the edges. Woo!
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