Archive for July, 2008

Addiction has been on my mind lately, because on August 13, around 4pm, I’ll have 13 years clean and sober. Kind of impressive, is what people say. I suppose so since it seems most people can’t (or won’t) do it. To me, though, getting clean and sober just seemed to be what I had to do since I preferred to stay alive.

I have to say, though, that I quit going to NA or AA meetings regularly years ago. I got tired of going to meetings and hearing folks talk about drugs and alcohol. Yes, it was in the how to quit them and how to stay quit. But at that point I had some 6 or 7 years clean and I actually knew how to do both, and talking about drink and drugs just made me think of them when I didn’t think of them otherwise. When I feel I need a reminder, I go back. The first years, though, I needed reminders constantly because the conflict in my head sounded something like this.

Yo, chickie, just WHY is it we’re living such a damned dull life sitting here knitting between meetings?

Um, I dunno really, but damn you’re right, this is boring.

Yeah, screw this knitting and meetings shit, let’s go out and party.

Uh, wait, that crap killed us once.

True. Well. So what now?

Let’s go to a meeting.

Life got unboring though. Probably the petro… wait… neuro-chemicals in my brain got settled down from being a cokehead. And I got in the habit of having a different sort of life than I did before I quit the drink and the drugs. It’s ok, you know.

I got in the habit of just saying no. Over and over and over. Screaming it if I had to, to be heard. Barring that, I started the habit of just literally walking out if the “no” wasn’t getting through. But I realized I really, really had it engraved in my brain when someone in an online chat room offered me a cyberdrink and without thinking, I replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink.”

So I don’t drink. Alcohol, that is. Nor do I do any recreational drugs. Nor do I abuse prescription drugs. Barring any completely unforeseen weirdness and mental collapse that I can’t fathom, I’ll make it to 13 years. Yippee. Double yippee because I always get taken out for Yummy Food to celebrate.

(Ok, I’m batty lately. Posted this as a page when I posted it, then had to drag it off here and make a post of it. Ugh. I think the bipolar meds really are eating my brain.)


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(Once again I forgot to hit Publish when I wrote this. What’s up with that??? I’ll blame it on the meds. *snicker*)

My main bipolar med is what definitely what’s eating my stomach alive. *sigh* I discovered that going up on the dose of that does not work at all. It recreates the situation I got about a year ago, not realizing it was the med. Prilosec OTC has kept it at a reasonable level until I upped the dose of said sanity med. The higher dose brings back the rabid squirrel to live at the base of my esophagus and play loud rumbly music and dance on the ceiling at all hours. I do not like that squirrel. It also brings back the snake twisty enough to be worthy of a Caduceus to wrap around other internal organs and squeeze. Must be a twisty boa constrictor. I’m not fond of the snake either. To say the least. The ER docs I saw when I couldn’t walk from the squirrel-and-snake pain, who originally thougth they’d be removing my gall bladder that day, said the squirrel-and-snake was named “Acute Gastritis” but it changed its name after the Prilosec OTC for a few days to “Chronic Gastritis.” Shifty little critters. No wonder I’m not fond of them.

I really didn’t want to know that my bipolar med is causing my innards to be attacked by critters. I really didn’t want it to be so. Eventually, say after 10 or 15 years, even the lower dose may cause the squirrel-and -snake to come back to stay for good. *sigh* I don’t want to risk that if there’s any other reasonable option. So back on the meds merry-go-round I go. Whoopdeefuckindoo.

I did at least get in to discuss it with the meds shrink today instead of months from now, though. And lo and behold, she’s a fan of Lamictal, the med I originally wanted to be on, but was not allowed to try. W00t!

Why hadn’t tried that one already? Well, Lamictal is rather famous for causing rashes if you go up on the dose too fast or start too high. And one of those rashes is a potentially fatal thing called Steven-Johnson’s Syndrome or Toxic Epidermal Necrosis. Something about having your skin peel off in sheets so that bacteria leap in and kill you is a tad intimidating. I had a friend who got TEN a few years ago from rheumatoid arthritis meds. Not a pretty sight. I don’t intimidate too easily though. I learned that it’s not likely to happen or be a significant problem, if you go slow, pay attention to your skin, stop if you get rashes and a fever, even if it does happen, you can go to the ER immediately and not become a skinless mummy croaking of some weird bacteria. My old meds shrink had a patient get Steven-Johnson’s syndrome and die, so she wouldn’t prescribe it to anyone again. Old meds shrink was straightforward about it, didn’t shilly shally around or overinflate the idea I’d get something awful from it. She just said she wasn’t comfortable prescribing it, and that was cool with me. So we started elsewhere.

Elsewhere, after Depakote seemed to be trying to eat my liver, turned out to be Trileptal. Most of the time it works really, really well. And even when it’s not super, it’s still darned good even when a true mania is trying to send me into orbit. Without a huge heap of horrid side effects. Except the squirrel and the snake.

Back to the square I wanted to be at before liver-eating and banana-smelling drugs came into my life. Good. Lamictal is the only anti-convulsant mood stabilizer known to have a significant effect on depression as well as mania. That’s why I wanted to take it in the first place. So here we go.

Wish me luck. Or at least wish me no rashes eh?


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I went on a tour of the old part of town with a friend today. He’s a history buff so it was fun :) Of course, it was terribly ironic how the old Town Nursing Home was situated.  On one side was the old Jewish Confederate Soldiers Cemetary. The Christian Confederate Soldiers Cemetary was on the other side. Like a snarky message of “Just wait, you’ll get here soon enough.” hehe This place always was weird. I think they must have left anyone not Jewish on Christian on the street though ;) Gallows humor, perhaps? :)


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One should not smell bananas that aren’t there. So saith the psychiatric community.

I didn’t find it all that big a deal, personally. Do a reality check. You smelling bananas? You? You? You? No. Hmmms. I must be hallucinating banana smells. Ok, I’ll put the bananas on ignore.

But new shrinko says this is not good. So up on the meds. Well, no bananas now. But then again, by the time I saw shrinko, the bananas had been gone for weeks. I guess it’s ok if I don’t smell bananas in the future.

But man, the up-o on the meds is weird. Just like going up on them to begin with. Tingly lips. Short of breath for an hour or so. Stoned as hell. No wonder they don’t want bananas people on meds to do illicit drugs. It would be hard to sort from the licit ones. But hey… no bananas.


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I actually wrote this on July 7th. Back before I quit the group I mention in it. The thing I wonder is why I put up with so much for so long. Must be a mental problem ;)

Dear Assholes (Collectively),

There are many good people around in this group, but also abusive, mean-spirited people taking advantage of the good ones. If you’re honest with yourself, you know whether you’re a good person who tries but may make mistakes at times, or an abusive asshole. But being as you’re assholes, you’re probably not honest with yourself either. Nonetheless…

You have perpetuated this type of garbage on this group for the last two years, which the the volunteers in this group have had to deal with on a ongoing basis. Most of this garbage is because different volunteers were trying to help someone out, and that is infuriating.

Yes, garbage. Embarassing, nasty garbage like this:

- Starting hanging out with the group only when they need money that the group would raise.
- Insisting that raised funds be sent directly in cash (yes, US treasury notes called dollars) to the
person instead of directly sent to the doctor providing the care.
- Refusing free air transportation for their seriously ill pet to get to a veterinarian to get free life-saving surgery plus free fostering until the kitty is well enough to return home, all because the indivdual could not get from the group a free airline ticket and reimbursement of time lost from work to travel with the pet, then the same individual still wanted donations to pay large veterinary fees because of refusing this overwhelmingly generous offer.
- When people generously donated, the recipient contacting the donors repeatedly to send more money.
- Expecting people from the group to risk their own homes in order for the people to help them instead.
- Begging for and taking money and time from people who are far worse off than the people demanding the donations.
- Fundraising recipients insisting that they get X amount of money, including extra money to pay for
extras, which no one had even heard about until after the fundraising was done.
- Niggling at people over and over again to give money for doctor bills, vet bills, rent, etc etc, even when they’ve receive hundred or thousands of dollars of financial help as gifts, in one case over $20,000 from one unbelievably generous donor, and all this when they are posting or emailing that they are buying expensive luxury items weekly like multiple DVD players, blackberries, and whatnot.
- Trying to guilt people into donating more at auctions by making up pity stories about the items being
auctioned.
- Threatening to kill themselves and their pets if people don’t give them money or otherwise do what the individual wants.
- Fundraising recipients who are being given hundreds of dollars a week over a few weeks getting upset because the volunteers are stopping doing fundraising for them.
- Contacting the volunteers and insisting that they do a fundraiser immediately because they need
money immediately.
- Begging people from the group to take that person’s pets to save them, then when it’s arranged or a few days after volunteers have been working furiously to make it happen, out of the blue they back out. So far this has happened 3 times that I know of.
- Telling members of the group that the person doing the telling had been blackballed from the group when no such thing had been done or even discussed.
- Helpers spreading confidential information around even when they’ve promised to keep it confidential.
- Cajoling, hinting, then insisting to group volunteers that they must raise funds and pay for luxury items that aren’t necessary for the health or welfare of anyone, to the tune of thousands of dollars, over 10 to 50 emails to a volunteer or volunteers.
- After a volunteer had created a website from scratch, the lady the site was made for telling the volunteer that they don’t want her to help with their website, they want someone good to do
it instead.
- Arguments and blame over what news got posted on the news site “in favor” of others because we put up the first news about a happening, and don’t choose to post the same news 5 times just because 5 people send it in back to back.
- Being attention seeking, dishonest, argumentative, passive-aggressive, backbiting, ad nauseum when dealing with the volunteers and other members of the group.
- Assuming and telling others that this volunteer group would be raising lots of money for them on a weekly basis and directing others to the group because we’d raise funds for them.
- Whining and groaning that they can’t do it –such as organizing parties for a friend or making cards — and so insisting rudely that the volunteers must do it for them.
- Running around behind a volunteer’s back and saying the volunteer was talking about them behind their back, which was ironic at best.
- Harping on volunteers about how other volunteers are bad or otherwise unsavory.
- Accusing and saying that various volunteers did things they didn’t do.
- Saying at parties that the someone is dead, when when they are not.
- Refusing to even attempt learn the technology necessary to do what they want to do online, and then being pissy and self-pitying and insisting that folks from the group do their personal work for them immediately. Not asking, insisting.
- Death threats against a person’s pets over some imagined “take over” thing that has neither occurred nor been planned.
- And so on.

EXCUSE ME? Do you not see the problem, people???? The group has been trying to be
helpful and giving and this kind of crap is is given back to them? For two years? It’s amazing that any of the volunteers put up with it that long.

If one of the above shoes fits you, wear it and live with it. Don’t bug me or anyone else in the group with your mewling self pity. I don’t care if you are so stupid that you can’t see that asking for thousands and thousands of dollars for trash that’s not needed when you can afford diamonds and luxury vacuums and cd players etc, or otherwise take advantage of people trying to help is not a good thing to do. I am not interested in apologies, or whining or self-pity. I doubt anyone else is either.

As someone said in a comment on the news site, “GROW UP!” There are natural consequences to everything anyone does, and we all have to live with that. The natural consequences of behaving ungratefully, thoughtlessly, greedily, and cruelly are that people don’t want to deal with you any more, and they sure won’t continue to help you. They may pity you, but they don’t want to deal with your garbage, demands, self-pity, or your company any more.

I’ve had it with you, and so have others. Every one of you abusive assholes. Go to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You’ve already gotten far more than $200 worth of time, effort, and in some cases cash. You no longer rate anything at all.

Sincerely,
A Schmuck Who Won’t Be Taken for a Ride Again

Finito


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“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” (Edmund Burke)

Of course, we can help evil along a good bit by being backbiting, jumping to conclusions, treating people meanly, being drama queens, and so on.

I seem to be addicted to so much of that. Trying to do good for myself and others. Failing miserably and making more pain. I am only human, though I hate to look that in the face. The only way for me to stop, at this point, is to stop participating. I’m not strong or whatever it takes enough so far to find any other way. I hope one day I am. I’m striving for that, at any rate. In the meanwhile, I’ve quit the group I was “managing” or being the whipping boy of, which is how it felt to me for over a year. A year of trying and being miserable is enough. I wonder if I shouldn’t let make myself miserable over things for so long. But with that one, water is under the bridge of time, and no use worrying about it. I’ll try not to.


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12 years, 11 months and 5 days of being clean and sober

Some days it’s boring as hell. Some days it’s painful. Some day’s it’s great. Some day’s I’m proud of myself. Huh. Must be real life.

But at least I know it’s MINE and not some drug induced alcoholic blur I’ve dreamed up.


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