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I was whizzing around the web today trying to forget the bs going on around me. I stumbled across a site called “Untreatable’s Blog -Borderline Personality Self Harm Depression“. Quite the title.

Apparently Untreatable has been diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Hmmms. I can see why Untreatable feels untreatable. It sounds kind of familiar, after all.

I’ve been variously diagnosed over the years as severe major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, severe neurosis, severe PMS/PMDD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder NOS (rapid cycling), Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (aka Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and somehow the docs missed the anorexia and substance abuse disorder as official diagnoses. Enough to make ya hurl huh? The docs seem to have settled for now labelling me with Bipolar Disorder NOS (rapid cycling), and Complex Traumatic Stress Disorder/or Borderline Personality Disorder. They can’t seem to make up their minds on that last bit. Do I feel untreatable? Sometimes I most definitely do. Other times not so much. I often wonder if I’m deluding myself those other times.

Right now that’s on my mind. Yes, I have been mostly stable for over a year. Except for hearing music that isn’t there and smelling bananas that aren’t there. And having to fight to get myself to bed or do my work or not bite someone’s head off when they’re being stupid sometimes because I’m hyper. The question is: Is that enough? True, I’m no longer so depressed I can’t get out of bed, and I’m no longer self-harming, and I’m not running amok about the net finding someone to fall in love with out of the blue and move in with, and I’m not digging myself further into debt. And the DBT is going well, but how the heck do you tell if you’re back together from that? Is that all enough?

The new pdoc, as I mentioned before, found the smelling non-existant bananas somewhat alarming. So ok, we tried going up on my meds. Didn’t work, so now trying a new med. Dammit, this could be an endless cycle, I sometimes think. Get one or two things in whack then discover something out of whack, so try this other thing. How on earth do you know if it’s enough?

What is sane enough anyway? Do you assess it by lack of hallucinatory songs and fruits? By lack of self- or other-harm? By graduating from DBT and taking your meds properly for X amount of time? Could it just be enough to have a decent life where you don’t treat anyone like crap including yourself and you’re reasonably content to live that way? I hope so.

By the way, the green aura from the Lamictal is almost totally gone. Just a tiny bit of green around the edges. Woo!

Gone soon I hope. The green aura, I mean. Actually it’s very faint today and still no flashing lights. So I think gone soon will happen.

In the meanwhile, we amuse ourselves…

Well, I finally got hold of the doc about the green aura and flashing green lights.  Although, by this am the green flashing lights were gone and the green aura wasn’t so bad.

Seems she called yesterday evening and couldn’t get me.  She must have while I was at the mental hospital visiting a friend, with my cell phone and purse locked up so I couldn’t give who knows what to the patients.  Like I couldn’t have smuggled a phone or a knife in my sock if I’d wanted. *snort*  Figures she’d call while I was at the looney bin though.  And not even as a patient! hehe

Anyway, some 2% get “visual effects” from Lamictal and it seems to usually go away.  So far no reports of blindness from it.  So ok, I’ll stick with it and see what happens.  She asked if I had any rash or headaches or sleep disturbances. Nope, nope and nope. In fact, I’m sleeping better than usual, and I feel pretty good.  Hopefully the green will go away and none of the other stuff appears.

Wish me luck.

Well, today I still am seeing green. I wonder if that’s the opposite of seeing red. So I started the somewhat absurd process of getting in touch with the meds doc. Because it’s county mental health, I simply cannot just call the meds doc. They won’t give me a phone number or transfer me to her office. First I have to call my case manager, leave a voice mail and she will call back, when we talk I describe what’s up, then she will contact the meds shrink, then the meds shrink will call or tell the front desk guardians to give me an appointment. Good thing I’m not dying, though, huh?

I can’t drive, though. That sucks. I feel like a prisoner. In a way, I am at least a hostage. I just won’t drive because if my vision abnormalities (nice way to put, seeing green that isn’t there due to meds or hallucinations or some other thing) were to get any worse and I was on the road, I might kill someone. Like myself, for instance. Not a good plan.

So I called my best friend.

Hey, can we go somewhere? You drive?
Where do you need to go?
Anywhere. Anywhere other than this house.
…Luckily, he’s used to me and doesn’t even think this is a particularly nuts request…
Sure, let me throw on some clothes.
OK. How about coffee? I’ll buy you a coffee in exchange for the ride or something.
Nah, as long as you decide where to go, I can buy myself a coffee or whatever.
Ok. Thanks. Coffee then. Well, I won’t drink a real coffee. One of those protein drinks instead or my stomach will kill me. Really, it’s just driving me nuts I can’t drive myself anywhere with this seeing green crap.
Let me grab my clothes. Be over in a few.

It’s very nice not to be spun around by a good friend at least. Something’s anchored. Even if it is green around the edges.

The meds doc will probably call while I’m out. Good thing my only phone is a cell.

Yes, the meds merry-go-round is just whirling away madly. In fact, I think I’m about to fall off my carousel horse. Last night the sewage treatment plan south of town smelled like day old iced tea to me instead of sewage. Odd, but not unpleasant, comparatively. And this afternoon I started hallucinating green lights and auras. So I’ll call the meds shrink tomorrow and see if it’s something I should try to wait out or if I should nix the new med. 5 days into new med and I’m seeing green lights and smelling day old iced tea instead of sewage. I don’t think this bodes particularly well for the new meds. Don’t worry, though. I’ll get a ride to the meds doc. Something about the green lights and auras makes me think I probably shouldn’t drive.